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Various opinions

you see, shootings too, get normalized if it is "daily bread".
when things became norm, it is hard to see world as what it was before. we didnt have washing machines, microwaves, stoves. years before, there were only sheds and no running water or central heating...
like that



my mother is "boomer" who denies her problems ("its all good, love light laugh" bascially) father is prankster who would love to live in woods XD, but - there was shit happening 
- situations for life

i might have as well. i dont know if it was just jokes, or attacks, at elementary. at high school, it was more of evryone on phone and having no things on common, so i was rather alone, 
because i felt entitled to them XD

undesirable? yes, it seems as shit if everything is for profit. then, you are burden, but what gives. i hate it when i cant get job, but its not my fault if you cant fight it in the first place. 
it is just fucked up and i will just wait til things go south, or until people at top will lose money/their positions to younger ones

i am dumb, idk what to do, i cant even decide what i want...  



. i am anxious, question everything, am too dreamy and idealistic + romantic, moodswings    over hi- and lo- expectations, no common ground with   others (i made this weird, quirky 
        and stupid façade of Self ...)
- i always, as kid, rather secluded myself from others, because idk, i maybe thought "i am interesting", "special", "too cool for others". and even if i wanted, i am nowadays undecided as fuck, 
know too many things and none of (those) 
i am specialist, - got no friends (had, but it was just bunch of kids on block - i got no topic to say...)
-- went to no uni (undecided, hi expectations, my ideal of "forever 2007" died in 2013 (globalization to blame?)) - parents has it good, but it was so-so, as due communism - yet then, Americans say past
was "just different", you just "walked in, shook hand, got job"...



*about hi-expectations - it was only that i could draw well and "remember" weird encyclopedia    stuff [i am like, huh, dont every kid do that?]    (it is hard to, but every kid draws, 
so it is messed up and that idea made me "aftergifted",    of sorts - with no goal, just having surface   knowledge and vocab on weird things)



Yes. I didn't participate much in anything, meaning I did the worst thing that I could  - never truly fail. This has me spoiled; if you understand. 



I am curious! To me it was scary because Shinji, MC, has to decide ; which is, for me,   in my situation, that I never close any option,   never decide...
Nightmare, if you will. He, as me,was told what to do, and when he had to decide and do A thing in his life for himself, it is... As being betrayed.



yes
you know these 3AM thoughts?
so, kinda this... you got them, got the idea, but then, the first thought just stops you 
- "if i do this, then everything else would have to be
solved too", so you rather dont even start
also, when (related^) your mind tries to "lie", negotiate in the way *all bad things recap clip-show* 
- you were learned into this way of thinking
because of your experiences. you know this is *possibility*, yet, doing nothing is safer than doing anything
maybe those eureka moments, enlightenments, only happen to people who hit the rock rock rock bottom; but idk, 
it is like, quite different level,
kind, of "slap" - maybe it has to be related to more real world, to things that affect others 
- that to "just mussing"...
no idea here why is it (?) like that... 



 (redacted) i had it similar if not even worse
it is so bad to "by accident" ("skill issue", teachers not seeing who is victim and abuser) 
more likely than not, punish victims. when they dont fight back, it is bad. when they do - it is bad, too.
tired of this shit.

totally, if "normies" did something worse than i would (i sometimes act weird and cant quite answer it why, then, 
later, or never) - like, make stupid reply, yell, get mad... i am thinking if i got autism, mother said i was 
"tested" as kid, we "could know"... idk, heard stories of adults who just found out deep in 40s-50s...
just lowkey scared i would lie myself into being autistic... or always was? no clue. like, if it is even possible to 
"lie" to those guys who do diagnosis (ever heard of Munchausen by proxy?) ~ idk the place, where or how those tests 
are done :/, i just want to know if i am just delusional, or if i was like this "from always"...

why is it not normalized(!) for those with disabilities to fight back!...

when normies act "goofypilled", it is romantized; when somebody does so of being "done with shit" 
(not mad; not mad *like that*), from trauma, from fighting back - it is *suddenly* something bad?(!) 
  
  
  
  
    /secretative data/
  i thought, for difference, than me and few like-minded individuals/groups who were, as me,
very low at that time (like 3 months or so, prior), attracted/made-to be covid "into" reality
- talked about here in chat, learned about (chaos?) magick...
would be interesting if that is doable, and even, rather be used for better things...
  
  
  
  
  /from chat; these are my thoughts... opinions... i might be wrong; this is just how i see it... 
  dont get offended and if, then - epiphany?huh?/
  i cant blame you for this, but people in general dont like complaining much, i know it firsthand, 
  i complained way too much, that it started to annoy people (what a goofy mistake)

also, dont ask people on >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk, they hold themselves on "high" standard 
(self-proclaimed, self-entitled geniuses, autists (whatever that means "in their book"), know-it-alls...)
also, no such discussion is possible in "religion" media - whatever becomes fad, popular and highly acclaimed, 
it loses all "magic" the time redditors
(not all of them are bad, but in general, ~ every lie got some true and start somewhere (to be believable)) 
and fandoms (past 2013; things from here hits different) lose its niche status and becomes , mainly for 
"revival gems/all-time classics" - obsessions... (sorry if i cant explain this any better, or if i lie 
- this is just what i and maybe some other people think)

you are not going insane - it is just that... evangelion was "inaccesible", "lost" (wink wink) and with 
Netflix, "all hell broke loose" - normies *suddenly* re-discovered "gem" , - or so those *first-watchers*, 
call it so and hold that, to a high status (if you are curious, there are some (such) tropes on Evangelion 
at TVTropes.org) ... [my fav trope is Main/ItsPopularNowItSucks]




  /will NOT explain further - just feel the feelz.../
   i understand it is hard to do so with autism. or when you are me and cant hardly lie about anything. 
   i feel like kid, but i got not that heart or balls to lie. it just feels *disgusting* to me, somewhat, 
   it is weird. (could also be called naiive.)

it has to be hard to "make" reason when this is nothing that horrible to worry about. i would have no idea too, 
how to make lie (alternative story) on spot... people , and normies, has done worse things. murders get glorified too :/




  /*same^*/
   but this can also mean , "sign" (or you colud lie yourself into (i should prolly at times like that)) that 
   you have to prove them wrong. - not thru words, but acts. working harder, doing art, trying to set habits, 
   declutter - like that (i lie to myself now, but those things could work for others - i am too stubborn 
   and *quirky* to change anything (and egoistic - something like Asuka, only that i am scaring of this coping 
   mechanism of mine (or i got none such trait and lie to myself i have; again)))




  /opinion; ^#3/
   just see that IP as "religion", "fad" - or even! - always in positive light!
different view is always hard, but for society to improve (not saying politics or economics now), it is very needed. 
- we seem, as Western society, to run away from problems, meaning - they get never solved and are just carried further 
and futher, until similar problems cluster, accumulate together - if this all even make some sense.




  /rant; all from -my- chats.../
  i meant, that they see "too much" into it. the anime being overhyped - those who seen it at original run, 
  contrary to those who seen it the first time only on Netflix, creating kind of "temple", circlejerk, place 
  where ... the people ever forget why they love(d) it, yet they repeat it again and again (primary meaning 
  being lost) - worse of it, some might be just affluenzed by all those people, claiming how "high standard" 
  the anime is/was. ~ also, that they (again) see "too much" into it - with all the themes, visuals and tropes 
  - being not that deep really ~ the final episodes were goal, THE message, amid "filibuster" providing as 
  "helping hands/support of story"

stupid incel "i am so popular look" edgy (zoomer) "i dont get it" "and?" *lost in translation (*just saying) * 
kids... i am not blaming you. there is just saying about "if you need to tell more than three people (iirc), 
you want attention - no help" - idk how it goes with chatrooms tho...
it is indeed strange. no one can read? or understand? [well, if we live in world *like this (post-truth 2020, 
trump-russia-gov_papers...)*, it really makes me (no) baffle at the state of society :/]

It was just Hideaki Anno's way to differentiate his anime from others.

And that with fandom - that is typical. Happened to me, yet, I don't like to lie or feel bad, hurting others. 
/ I am just afraid that one day, I will have no choice, no will to longer hold it all in, - and go berserk, 
or do some weird shit, just to be seen... Can't explain it, maybe I just want to meet with people, that are 
same as me, in that regards. Underdogs, abandoned, banished... It just makes me, at the same time, uncomfortable 
if I would be seen by *normies*, my stupid brain assume they are all same, neoliberal "orange Emilys" who hate, 
yet support capitalistic exploitation by megacorps...
I couldn't care less, if I didn't hate my age bracket so much, in general. I got nothing in common with them. 
If I ever would want to, it just makes me feel like copycat. Just liking something for sake of it, so fake... 
(Tiktok have been disastrous to human race... (*Fill in intro from Katsinski's manifesto*))

I can't quite tell why I feel like this, if I want to, or I was just learned, made to, or just imagine myself 
being like this. If I want to be just weird for the sake of it, because I want to ?mean something special, for 
someone ~ is it just love?? Wait, maybe I just want to ?have sex...

*Sorry for rant, I am just Confussed about my relationship with humanity and my generation.




    During 10th grade, one of the things that helped me cope was a book called The Catcher in the Rye 
by J.D. Salinger. The main character of the book, Holden Caufield, felt like he was trapped in a world of 
"phonies", people who just didn't give a care about anything, people who pretended to be someone else, people 
who tried to be other people. As I myself felt like I was in a similar predicament, given the fact that 
the adults of 10th grade were very neglectful.

yes, i read it too, on my own accord. we should, but we got no time on curriculum, so it was for me, 
just out of curiosity
funnily, the MC talks like i do - maybe i just copy others and things i like, unconsciously, or my 
"dark side" does (that one that goes against my values, but in my own "interest" (w/o values/virtues involved)... 


    I'm waiting for someone to love as well, as I seek a wife for myself to be the comfort of my eyes. 
Admittedly, I struggle with lust, which is one of the reasons I wish for a wife, so I can make her feel good, 
as well as myself.

yes. i too has problem, i just cant excuse myself wanting something out of selfishness, so i have to find 
"someone" to do it for... i know it is wrong, terrible and disgusting, but i just simply "dont matter that much"...


    Who are these "orange Emilys". What country are you from?

it is hard to pinpoint, but mostly what i got is (political compass memes) - (young) people who try to 
"fight" capitalistic malpractices with ever more capitalism (imho, makes no sense much);
and they self-identify themselves, because (idk) they feel good if they relate(?)...
pic-rel meme:
- https://images7.memedroid.com/images/UPLOADED997/5ff1d19d8145f.jpeg
- https://lens.google.com/search?p=Acn1BYftK2hy7OFxfWzrXP8kc9JsIM6UbXyjGy3ZqsD8VAkq7qp0xAnNVfxyM-
7_yW6MbPxDLDy4Ev_vzhx08_pcWeKaxYmj3v_ZFWRQqU43KwBhdukbvnQNPO0ovWM8lSTvpLQtWfv2FfE7uguME3mDMcSKtYeow
DeudfDjo8CsOr0p3oWXHjAuSY9Oe0XqIfXM4nb8m7-6H6gbzkTCZaB0Mkxjw8FPS7yjVBx5QDzN--Y9aEEzkcLuhTAFadFDwXsE
JimynJ06OQf4fgHn7-sZ6uXSupY47ea0NoOss8Q4ep=ccm#lns=W251bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGw
sIkVrY0tKR014TldJNU5ETTRMV0l3WkRndE5HSXhNaTA0Tm1KbExXSTBZVGsxTXpsa05EazVNQklmTUROemJWWTJja2RDVTI5WU
5FbGhORUZXWjJGWFdVRkVjMjVhVjJ4U1p3PT0iLG51bGwsbnVsbCxbW251bGwsbnVsbCwiMC0wIl0sWyI1NzYxZTkyZC01YjYyL
TQ5NWEtYjFkNi1jYjBjOWFmNmMyZWQiXV1d
- https://lens.google.com/search?p=Acn1BYftO4tIb3k_Gc9gEcoS8rauWU8P_KYPY8SLx9A9klW3EYrU8SfjBCL1CIz0
hWTrL8siVLj1NSqH1huHbFJkFZIsfSQq5gMm80BP_VFArnAdjr-
3-qcguWHTPVLVAwG56y7PaJiXy0uNBvMv_W4JHjQHD0N6YtGpqp0u4F7mhmvl58qLcEs60626A8j1FpwDGklIojM5P2NRPAdgum
HFHJtUgSWQXpwEjMHc3elhvQbmbtAg63UmPmgzUYtdOrovIzyFUHblgx6i2p39aQuBzs-
a7ysP5o_OAxs_isURep=ccm#lns=W251bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsIkVrY0tKREZrTkRCaU5qTm
tMVE15TVRjdE5EVmlNQzFpTldWaExXUm1aR1k1TUdSa1lXVm1PUklmWTE4eVRWSmpNM2c0U0hOVVVVUjFWV2RKVkUxaWJEVm5kb
HAwVjJ4U1p3PT0iLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLDEsbnVsbCxbbnVsbCxudWxsLFswLDAsMTAwMDAwLDEwMDAwMF0sbnVsbCw1XV0=


oh, so it seems (TIL) those are meme generalizations of SJWs; idk on the last one tho... 
(maybe i am???) /*rest redacted*/



 dreams? i havent got those in years. since 2012/13 when "meanings and values shifted", 
 it looks like Mark Fisher has truth and we indeed live in world where future wont come, 
 and we will live forever *like this* (*broadly shows and throws hands around*)

there are 8 billion people, so if it doesnt harm anyone (1st-hand), it should be ok; maybe 
if you showed it to some veterans (no jokes), they too would react similarly, or someone who 
might be hit by it (but not on >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk much ;) )
it is weird, how you feel hit by it, almost, if not, feel the urge to change; yet, you seem 
(talking from my experience) to shrug it off as "i was made into this, who i am, by accidents, 
so i have no say..." - you just cant argue, because, in fact, you know no other way around 
- you havent grow out of it; - to think "out of the box", differently, - you got no other reference 
or experience to grab to; so you stay the same - you would love to, if you (i/me) wasnt so stubborn, 
wannabe-ignorant, could see a way out of this >
is it as if i picked the wrong way and found out too late, dont remember why you did this in the 
first place, and then forgot which turn leads to beggining. maybe that is the feeling - when you 
want to "return to innocence"... 
- https://www.thetoptens.com/internet/worst-fandoms-groups-internet/ (9 - Weeboos)
  
  ... (memes incoming)
  

 ME: 1960s: on my yearly salary I bought 2 vehicles, a trailer, 
 a boat and 2 houses in just 10 years. | 2023: my salary is 10x greater than salary in the 60s 
 and I can barely make rent. I might not even get to finish writing this sentence because my 
 landlord is going to turn off my electri 
 > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ivp442RLS8list=TLPQMTMwNzIwMjMWY-54arCQ0Aindex=2
 
 https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FrdqalJWAAAQS2v?format=jpgname=large
 
 /"confussed" take/
  ME: id like NATO if it were like 50s 
  and wouldnt try to numb-down everything to lowest common denom, like, 
  ... "to not hurt anybody", so we need to "westernize" the globe...

 ME: People cXTSJeMm_normal.jpg
NATO@NATOWorking for peace, security  freedom for one billion people. 
Official Twitter account of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. 
#NATO #WeAreNATO... (ideas??)

 ME: John Berkeyjohnberkey.com
 John Berkey was an American artist known for his space and science fiction 
 themed works. Some of Berkey's best-known work includes much of the original 
 poster art for the Star Wars trilogy, the poster for the 1976 remake 
 of King Kong and also the "Old Elvis Stamp". Wikipedia

 ME: is this bs write-up? https://aesthetics
 .fandom.com/wiki/User_blog:Doom-gloom-city-pop/SANDBOX_II:_Memes:_test

 ME: cute cat https://cdn.discordapp.com/
 attachme...22_6345032652270180_5012621974396716339_n.png
 
  ME: It was like I was Bateman (am.psycho), 
  just doing what I needed and that was it, I was like in trance. Ratherz or, 
  closed in my bubble, little imaginative world where people are 
  "gay space commies", if I have to call it retrospectively
Saturday at 2:11 AM
ME: Also, the premise of my problem is: 
I was never allowed to fail. Like, I could, IF I had chance to do something 
that significant that it would ever be noticeablem i just was ignorant of my 
surroundings most of the time, most of my life

 ME: well, wo wouldnt love to be goofy, 
 loved, have claws and be able to jump and hop around!
Jul 7, 2023
ME: You will never be a cat. You have no whiskers, 
you have no tail, you have no fur. You are a homo sapien twisted by excessive 
internet usage and autism into a crude mockery of nature's perfection 
- penguinblanket ( read (these 2) from down up)
+2 

 ME: i guess it is psyop to make society 
 as fragile as possible. many narratives at once. see, they "got reasons", 
 vs gov that is against that disruprtor. individualism vs collectivism, govs 
 vs people who dont want govs or controls or snooping in their lives, 
 or stupid laws around, byro shit and all that

or just yt-essay-smart. like lot of peoople on net. like, emos hopped in, 
then got normalized few years after, and - that happens

 ME: Markov@MarkovMagnifico·20hthere's a common type 
 of online pseudo-intellectual whose entire repertoire of knowledge comes from 
 youtube videos and you can smell it on them immediately - could be me

 ME: there is no You. because by West, you are 
 Your job, or by what you do, what you like, it is materialistic, value-driven. 
 values with meanings that are not defined, or which change all the time, 
 as the wind (pol) blows
Jul 6, 2023
ME: yes. kids and people who got too much free time. 
always was case. it doesnt mean it all isnt valid, but harming yourself only 
to be part of group...
Jul 6, 2023
ME: tell me more. like, i dream of gay-space-communism, 
but it is not real
ME: we strive for marxism, but we know it is just theory, 
so we stick for what it is, and hope for meteor to kill us all?

 ME: i talked to Poe AI about bigotry and it knows nothing 
 about 2021, but mentioned some Black american shit happening in 2014, that started (INO?) BLM
 
 ME: The demise of the nation state | Globalisation | 
 The Guardian After decades of globalisation, our political system has become obsolete 
 – and spasms of resurgent nationalism are a sign of its irreversible decline. 
 By Rana Dasgupta
Jul 6, 2023
ME: who would have know that those buying bitcoin would 
not be cofee-drinking anarchists, but those at top, those who are the reason crypto exist...
 
https://64.media.tumblr.com/6957212c1c3275937d2e998dee612e42/6e9b5a3363a4e84d-17
/s540x810/03a4e0059d13b19b3b5ec13f2b9b2717319e1d8c.jpg

 ME: https://lonerwolf.com/lying-to-yourself/ did it all.vhehehe. sad. 
 Been there did that. I feel like robot. I wanted to go batshit so many times. 
 No idea what stops me every time. Fear,.knowledge that next revolution after 
 success will become another norm? Maybe I just hate that idea.
ME: Kinda opposite. Online, I tend to generalize and to be abrasive, mean, cynical, 
afraid of misunderstanding and angry (state of current web). IRL, I am sweet, nice, 
cute, innocent and almost doormat. I can't say no. Got no heart to be selfish. 
Idk how to be

society itself. No double taxes, no money into Sus projects but as direct as possible, 
schools being no standardized but being ROIs as means produced by students/working class, 
no job gaps, terminating stupid job applying and need for uni unless IRL needed
Jul 6, 2023
ME: Instead of internet ending this class struggle, it just swapped coats. Low and high 
posh, arguing over who *started* **this**. Those up need those below. Those down, well few, 
will become top ones, believe it or not. That is the pain of success. And power-trip.
Jul 6, 2023
ME: So we know what is wrong. Then, what is stopping us is the force of habit. Myth we tell 
ourselves. No. Past wasn't glorious. If it was, we wouldn't have to suffer its "unfillment; 
broken promise; aborted plan"
Jul 6, 2023
ME: Yeah, you saying all that makes me think of self-censoring, seeded-in by Society. 
Generations, and generalizations, patting ourselves how we know, or how we know. 
And being content, with those half-lives, rather than to challenge ourselves, 
for that we may find truth, that all is terrifying...
Jul 6, 2023
ME: It is weird how I "hate" people and society behind screen, and all that disappears 
when I am outside. Anxiety is gone. I wonder. Why is it that, why at home I am anarchist 
who hate The system (all ills),but irl want to help everyone? God, it would be so easier 
if I was stupid reactionary. But I don't want to destroy what works. And there is 
so much that don't.
Jul 6, 2023
ME: Like, afraid of myself. I don't want to do anything of fear , consequences, 
fear of success, not knowing what to do if my dreams came through - then what? 
Will I be suicidal? Will I try to make new reality, where nothing stands on solid ground 
- where all that matters is improvement? But then what. Do I want that or it is not my dream, 
just something I want so I can belong?
Jul 6, 2023
ME: Too stupid-smart. False intelligence. Posh ego, but that don't boast - only that 
I do nothing, *superior* in my inaction, lying myself how smart I am, so I don't have 
to disrupt world.
Jul 6, 2023
ME: There has been discussion about when dude burnt the Talented kids school. LCD being, 
those are psychos who will go thru dead. I wonder what make me not be like that. 
I am exact opposite, emotional mess that can't do anything "to not hurt others". I wonder. 
Maybe I lack inter-personal skills too, so I try to greypill myself as evil, holding myself 
back on my own restrictions

Rather things I hate:
- being lost in the world
- unable to decide
- ill-liberal internet socialitē who have to walk between egg-shells to not offend anyone (yes I am that type who want to be walked on in between...)
- impractical philosophy guy who is afraid of people, conflicts and non-sense politization - yet, all this I do... I like to tease, treatise, 
poke society in seams like that one dude in antic did (Diogenes, - or the other one??)
- I hate those types^, cookie-cutter video essayists who say how capitalism, world, humanity, good morals nadanada are all over - yet I watch them, 
it seems, I like to be pissed off! You had true someone when you said, people make this to themselves, just to feel things, thrill... I won't admit it 
but Mark Mason "how to not DGAF " book got that right - since, brain is set to drama, danger, threat , not anymore present in our industrial society...
- fear of any action being futile - nihilism - things, world making no sense , no impact - yet afraid of that impact - afraid of that... I can't never 
like anything, because I will succumb to its customs... I want change, but will hate it - add maybe this is why we long for golden days, 
that never were, - vaporwave... I don't want to get fucked over, by promises and this curse... Curse of nothing, anything being good enough for me 
(ah you, Mark/Fisher)... I will be on hook, and then the rest will be took away from me, like politicians tend to do... > Slovak proverb: 
better to know than to have.



I think this might be universal experience, but if not, I'll try to explain it anyway. If one believes in homogenity of universe, with the same conditions, everything could be replicatable...

To the point - I feel like idiot. I critize everything but never speak up so why I bother with the first thing in any%place, right!?

Well, that's only part of it (isn't it?) - the thing is, I am stuck. In my head, in my family, social and economic circles, "society" (hehe, joker-joke-nr574636.jpg) /*cries*/...

I am either stupidly smart, or smatassly stupid. Which one, zero clue. What bothers me (lol- but, really, not funny any way - am I this stupid, starting on 3rd time, getting on across any point...?) — I got this problem, of few:

- I am pussy - I get easily offended (well, used to very much often and at subtler clues, - any progress is win! /*Jk, it's awful way of thinking*/
- I rarely can tell if things being said are sarcasm (or, people can't act any way more affected - in text or in speech; I am "/s", but I can't tell it apart...)
- I can't make anything, or I'll get guilty over it, (2) no wonder how or even why that's it - I am very serious, or extremely random - no middle way for me
> either I tell jokes that are somewhat offensive (slippy tongue), or being frigidly serious (can't make any mistake - if i do, i can "poke" in it for month)

- (2) problem is, I have hard time to open up and I rarely believe anyone or anything
- I know that having "all backdoors open" is very hard way to be people -people, but it is part of me
- I rarely cling to one way, and if I do, it is often a mistake
/*makes me upset* - that's why I can't have friends, job, hobbies... Or isn't it?/

- I can't listen to advices when I don't understand, when i don't "hurt" myself first

- what are your ideas - am I hopeless, or is my mind just playing tricks on me, that "if I change, there is longer NO Me?"
(Part of struggle too (3) - one/I know it is lie, I simply just can't admit, take it to my heart that it is true and make me problems
- it dies, but it "hurts less than road never took"

-(3) how to say - my head is blatantly and stupidly persuaded into thinking /*lying to me*/
that I am better and smarter than everyone else, because there is "no way then why I am alone and mis/disunderstood!"
> I tend to write long sentences and can't really shorten them, or I'll loose track of my "word-salad" (either good or really bad :| )

- sorry for rant,
- thanks for read,
- wish me luck and I hope I can be "cured" out of this, if I know how
(well, I've got theories, but those are stupid - like "it's a conspiracy, you've been made into *it*" ;) iukwim #wtnhk)
- bye by now, see you then;

(*"Dies" should be "lies", writing on phone, aaah)




To add:

one has this very urge to be goofy animal and don't solve anything. I can't tell if it is right or wrong, help or will hit one back in return. Is human to not use all of what is given to him?

But then, control themself and to be "civil" is very hard - or is it the only way, only to hone themselves constantly til death, so one is "trained" to it all, as some circus animal!!?

If there is hopeful No and one can, at least for the moment, learn, use the "wrong" heuristical- shortcut - methods to ease themselves of struggle of "mind and heart", 
"will and morals", how to know when it is appropriate, and can we all learn it, to ease our pain in struggle of misunderstandings???

Or no - there is no such way, option, clue to be used - and we have to be what we were by generations, taught and learn to be, "civil, useful, human..."? #hauntology

Thinking about it, then - we use "shortcuts" too, without knowing that - brute memorization, body movements in training, - even biases and various unwilling effects 
- brain, after all, uses so much energy that it is only logical and (quite) excusable to use those shortcuts and (sadly) shortcomings...



#2
Btw that is totally not (50%) what I wanted to wrote, I just got lost In my thoughts.

Where it would lead, is:

I am this stupid-smart, smart-stupid overemotional guy.
And I got this struggle. So, - I love-hate my mother. She can't push me into anything. But isn't that nurture thing??? Either way, what I can(t) change (why?) and blame much ...
The problem is this:

I got this yearning for uni, but can't decide. I am 24 soon and feel stupid for anything (well, there are stupider people going to uni too), then overconfident at the wrong time (man thing???).
Also, the uni here is free only to 26. I am so stupid. I want to, but really can't, blame my mother. She told me it's my choice, but she know me - so she (UN)willingly nade me not to go to uni coz I never 
can decide in anything.
Now I hate myself over it but her more.

She really not pushed me (into anything), and that's the mistake. She was tired to. Well, she could have tried, but nooo (/Cyn)... I want to cry, push my hairs out, destroy everything around for her to 
notice, to get myself rid of this feeling, what-if memory...
Becaaaaause when she don't have uni, that meeeans things don't change!!!! (/s).

But yeah, there is this stupid counterargument too: sis went to uni and there is no difference, you start out from nothing. That's why I despise jobs and interviews, society as it is also - why all this 
crap - for nothing!

You need uni for job (doubt), but except maybe pay (but why), there is 0 difference, Dick's as Dick's, and I hate it. There is where society ends for me.
To be idiot for somebody. No thanks.

This is over, got me. Rather no job than being used, laughter at, being funny stock...
Yeah, I am terminally online. Totally (not) fault of my mother and sister's overdramatisation plays role in that, no wayyyy /s...

I am so angry at everything, everybody. I've got no job XP much. Only one dude who was the least good example for me to be a boss. Totally get me off from looking towards some job.

Because I am useless. Harari eon. Klaus Schwab too. They have truth, I was made into this. I hate it, but if no one will save me, I will do it myself, but

I doubt it will be by legal or good means... I don't want to be bad, but if not, I will be taken over by even bigger idiots who went to uni just for paper to brag about, while being total Dick's,

being CEOs and crush another good souls into doubting reality as it is and it's "why"s...

> I am so afraid of mistakes, I can't do anything than just to whine, that's all I can do. I am error, corrupted. My emotionality is mistake.
If we have to progress, we have to surpass emotions, yeaaaah /hj
- I hate it, others and myself. I get it now but it's too late
- when i needed people the most, I secluded myself, waited
- what people do for God, I made to people, but opposite
- aren't we like that, then? Running away too, to friends to run out from ourselves,
to not have time to think, "be" (not) alone with thyself...



*/ NP, it just me (OP) being at my middle-low-low and questioning reality
also, regards of long posts - yes, got serious problems with that. it is simpler to write than to read - in bad example.
you know - when you read and say "aaah why is it so long" ,but then, when you write, it is "if it is short, is it stupid? if long, who will read that!?"
but middle ground nowhere, when, especially, you are in your emotional, 3am sad limbo (iukwim).



11/57pm - 2am, 2/2/-3/2/22​

Good if I wanted to, but I am kinda afraid that if left my guard, then bad things would happen, or my tongue will slip - but it is more of made-up fear in my head, than reality. That could happen, but in 
there, I see it, I guess, extremely exgagereded. I cant do anything, or *my bad self* will win - I am afraid of it. I dont want to be bad, egoistic, some type of CEO psychpath. I am never like that, but I 
can never know. It is just fear. I am scared of failure, you


can tell too. I am scared how I look like, how others see me. Yet I will rarely change for them. It is as if I betrayed myself, thrown away all I "worked" on. Is it stupid or normal human feeling, 
behaviour, dilemma? Well, I would call it that, - normal. In my case too, it seems. I never mantained any Self, I hate pretending. I am not formed by anything much, most of the time. Even if those were 
lies - why? Why then I still bother to care!? Because if I havent, no one


will? Lies. No one knows me. Yes. Nor myself pretty much. Tragedy. Or relief? As in what. I hardly try to answe that tho. It is just random idea now, with/out any "folder" in my head to reference to. To 
know; form oneself - is it must, is it "just hobby", stupid, useless, or even painful? - I would love to leave my past behind, yet, I am morbidly afraid that if I do (that), then I will "throw out baby too
with bathtub water" - that then, it will be extremely hard


and time-consuming to build another "Me" anew, from scratch. Lies too? I feel empty, so why this presumption there? Or I am not as empty as I thought, and I still care. Yet I cant answer that, Why. Memory 
block? Never analysed *that* properly? Am I afraid of that? "What worst could happen?" - emotionally, *my* world will "fell apart". After reasoning, it is only that. No one needs to know about this. Even 
if I will write this down in my blog as prolly my last


message (reason: lack of themes, I told you, people, all traumas, fears, doubts I got on my mind), nothing much will change. I will just lie again to myself how everything is bad-good and how I, 
cryptically and vocally too, hate hypocrites and stupid laws - despite being like this, one big phonie, being disgusted of them. Well, I am, of myself too, - why (do) you think I am writting this!? I lie 
lie lie all the time. To myself. Do I feel happy? Maybe I am taking things


as "forever-there-to-be"s. Not being thankful. Still comparing and complaining (hehe *ouch*, it rhymes), never to be pleased. Root...? Or just this "modern illness"? When things are not enough for me, how 
*I* can be enough for myself?! Sounds simple-stupid, isnt it. Is Society, Postmodernism to blame? Culture, Nurture? Or is it just my fault to "not be tough enough!"? But then, *some* people hate people to 
be that. Is resilient better word? Thankful? Problem, you


see, is - you actually can pick (from present options) - isnt this the tragedy? Over-whelming number of options? What you *can* be, become, fight for... "As/How one donkey died over *indecisivness*", you 
see. - But is it plan, actual conspiracy? Present so many options (that) one gets mad, loose head over options - but then, there are only two parties? Isnt that stupid? Or, is it just so stupidly obvious, 
one just cant see it in front of their own eyes!? Disgustingly


genial... More like, genital (oof). Ass or tits!? When you got only one of two options, while being bombarded with so many opinions and (funded) ScIeNtIfIc DiScOvErIeS, one can wonder how in the fuck 
people can still take it! Hardly. I wonder too. Not painting devil on wall, but it is obvious to (at least) me, there is something going to happen, as more people will figure out this *one* too. 
(Un)fortunetly, not everyone got hardly any time for navel-gazing theses


in their heads as this one, or even time for writting that all out. Not alone trying to push counter-agenda. Not saying people dont know what they are doing or why. Or anything on politics. - But 
everything dont have to be personal, labeled, or political. Living in Western world for you means, you hold onto tradition of it, in common. No Left, no Right. Being decent. Not lying unless for chivalry 
reasons ;). Being true, not good-good for clout or "points"


- do it, preach what you do, but dont make truth out of lies. Dont jump because everyone else is too - ask first. Ask what is going on, why, how. If we went to question reality and self-imposed states of 
mind (concepts), life could be clearer and less confussing. Not saying there will be no problems, only that there will be only those that are more-or-less valid. When you ask, this chaos, sometimes 
beautiful, can be more bearable. When you know Why, you understand


what are they/m people fighting for or against. I call this no-ask world Zombie-one. You maybe heard about Vaporwave (outside of music genre), Hauntology, (Aenomoia) or Monument Mythos. Something like that, 
if not basically that. Are we afraid to question things from fear of losing them, them being stolen from us by some Bad actors, or that we will be labeled, marked as conspirators (let it be what it meant 
before, or even after shift of meaning)? At least *here*


(head), it seems so. But isnt it that without pain, rebels and struggle, doubts, we could value those things we have? Or, even save to say, start to think about those things, thoughts, and these questions 
of "Why" (is it *this way*), on alone!?! That all is valid, nice and based. What isnt tho is, playing with emotions. Our lowest denominators. No one is safe from them. When thinking about it, maybe how we 
react to stimuli, not how we see ouselves, is what we Are.


Us, "Me" (Just little idea *moment*). But what is opposite of that, is my guilt. Is there shame too? Why is it so? I wonder too. Maybe it is just erro in my head, no enough "grass touched" (doubt), or only
that "no one needs me" (no job). Is wanting not to fight, for man, bad? Is it what makes me "sad"? Or just that everyone else wants to only to forgot themselves (for them, then, to had no need to wrote 
something *like this alone*). I tried to "consoome", but it is


no longer fun. It is just distraction, from reality, real problems. Solvable or not, pretended or made-up (baka brain!), it hurts the same... And I lie. I do things I hate in others. God, I'll hate them in
myself too. But as I said, I am so afraid *of it*...

/


CVs and jobs:

yes, thats why i gave up. i dont want to fight. why to fight when you cant win. i was made this way, so if i cant get it, i dont want to care. and if i feel guilty,. then its your fault because you dont 
see me, dont know what i want to say, and i am too tired to explain you all of this. it scares me. did ai and harari won then? well, with me, say yes. bye, go f yourself if ou are blind to all this... (not
saying to you, just ramble in general)

/

...

I just don't want to. I know I might hurt myself by doing this, yet, I am used to it somehow. I am scared of normalcy. Not because it is average or because it is easier .

I just want to be clown, question reality, all the stuff people do and pay, make things of, when they just complicate things. Like, with so many taxes, it seems that there will be some Life/Air tax soon...
Mylaybe I am georgist, or just tired of this pretending "this is how it works" when it makes sense because you are learned it does...

I can tell I am not ok because I am scared of normalcy or that I will fuck up everything. It just feels like no one believes in me. Or maybe I am just prick that want to hear praise constantly... Maybe I 
am just baby, conditioned upon getting treats...
I know that I lie, whine, am not thankful or having rough tongue. It just feels right to me. It is not, but yes. It is like with religion. You may know there is no evidence or it is prolly lie, yet, you 
want, need to believe something.
Like atheists believe science, just-world-ers in morale and Libertarians in bitcoin...
 
/

...

wow. i got the opposite. i am not acting on those, it is just i want to, but i always stop myself,. i feel ad about it, but then i remeber it could be worse...
like second-guessing about second-guessing. (like yeah, i got those symptoms, but nobody could do nothing about it... i thought it is just my situation...) (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases...onality
-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237)
i thought these are normal, well... they are, in me... when i inquiry my family on being weird or crazy, they shrug it off as if it was normal...

"Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all" - you bet. i feel like there is no me, because i believe 
no one and nothing. i want to believe science or numbers, results,
(but those can be manipulated and skewed as well. or lead to false equivalence. false positives. false lead. who can arrange them to their will, can manipulate people, behaviours)...

also i became MC when i can "feel" into them. Leela, Lisa, Misaki Nakahara, Shinji IKari/Rei Ayanami, Ritsuko Akagi, St. Jimmy (character) maybe, - like there is no Me
- and if there is, it is not-well formed. we anyway just scrap quirks on the way and mush them together to form ourselves. so there, in sense, is no original self -
- or there is, yet, it looks like collage ~ is Sonichu, or that MC of Pitch perfect (hologram) original, anyway...?

/



    Mar 23, 2023 

    Add bookmark
    #41

yeah. when you overthink everything...

/



    Jun 29, 2023 

    Add bookmark
    #42

this might relate to thread about Anxiety about future, - or not
sorry not sorry, i might repeat myself and go total nutsack (you know automatic writing? so something like that, but emotions involved; cry-beast mode, *haha*)

for start, "internet communists" say "everything is exploitation", here it might started

* anxious as fuck, can overthink everything (mostly as an excuse "why not to X" - leads to nihilism)

/



    Jul 15, 2023 

    Add bookmark
    #43

LONG CRY

Various opinions

you see, shootings too, get normalized if it is "daily bread".

when things became norm, it is hard to see world as what it was before.

we didnt have washing machines, microwaves, stoves.

years before, there were only sheds and no running water or central heating...

like that

my mother is "boomer" who denies her problems ("its all good, love light laugh" bascially)

father is prankster who would love to live in woods XD, but - there was shit happening - situations for life



i might have as well. i dont know if it was just jokes, or attacks, at elementary. at high school, it was more of evryone on phone and having no

things on common, so i was rather alone, because i felt entitled to them XD



undesirable? yes, it seems as shit if everything is for profit. then, you are burden, but what gives. i hate it when i cant get job, but its not my

fault if you cant fight it in the first place. it is just fucked up and i will just wait til things go south, or until people at top will lose

money/theri positions to younger ones



i am dumb, idk what to do, i cant even decide what i want...



. i am anxious, question everything, am too dreamy and idealistic + romantic, moodswings over hi- and lo- expectations, no common ground with

others (i made this weird, quirky and stupid façade of Self ...)

- i always, as kid, rather secluded myself from others, because idk, i maybe thought "i am interesting", "special", "too cool for others". and even

if i wanted, i am nowadays undecided as fuck, know too many things and none of (those) i am specialist, - got no friends (had, but it was just bunch

of kids on block - i got no topic to say...)

-- went to no uni (undecided, hi expectations, my ideal of "forever 2007" died in 2013 (globalization to blame?)) - parents has it good, but it was

so-so, as due communism - yet then, Americans say past was "just different", you just "walked in, shook hand, got job"...



*about hi-expectations - it was only that i could draw well and "remember" weird encyclopedia stuff [i am like, huh, dont every kid do that?]

(it is hard to, but every kid draws, so it is messed up and that idea made me "aftergifted", of sorts - with no goal, just having surface

knowledge and vocab on weird things)



Yes. I didn't participate much in anything, meaning I did the worst thing that I could - never truly fail. This has me spoiled; if you understand.



I am curious! To me it was scary because Shinji, MC, has to decide ; which is, fir me, in my situation, that I never close any option,

never decide...

Nightmare, if you will.

He, as me,was told what to do, and when he had to decide and do A thing in his life for himself, it is... As being betrayed.



yes

you know these 3AM thoughts?

so, kinda this... you got them, got the idea, but then, the first thought just stops you - "if i do this, then everything else would have to be

solved too", so you rather dont even start

also, when (related^) your mind tries to "lie", negotiate in the way *all bad things recap clip-show* - you were learned into this way of thinking

because of your experiences. you know this is *possibility*, yet, doing nothing is safer than doing anything

maybe those eureka moments, enlightenments, only happen to people who hit the rock rock rock bottom; but idk, it is like, quite different level,

kind, of "slap" - maybe it has to be related to more real world, to things that affect others - that to "just mussing"...

no idea here why is it (?) like that...



(redacted) i had it similar if not even worse

it is so bad to "by accident" ("skill issue", teachers not seeing who is victim and abuser)

more likely than not, punish victims. when they dont fight back, it is bad. when they do - it is bad, too.

tired of this shit.



totally, if "normies" did something worse than i would (i sometimes act weird and cant quite answer it why, then,

later, or never) - like, make stupid reply, yell, get mad... i am thinking if i got autism, mother said i was

"tested" as kid, we "could know"... idk, heard stories of adults who just found out deep in 40s-50s...

just lowkey scared i would lie myself into being autistic... or always was? no clue. like, if it is even possible to

"lie" to those guys who do diagnosis (ever heard of Munchausen by proxy?) ~ idk the place, where or how those tests

are done :/, i just want to know if i am just delusional, or if i was like this "from always"...



why is it not normalized(!) for those with disabilities to fight back!...



when normies act "goofypilled", it is romantized; when somebody does so of being "done with shit"

(not mad; not mad *like that*), from trauma, from fighting back - it is *suddenly* something bad?(!)



/secretative data/

i thought, for difference, than me and few like-minded individuals/groups who were, as me,

very low at that time (like 3 months or so, prior), attracted/made-to be covid "into" reality

- talked about here in chat, learned about (chaos?) magick...

would be interesting if that is doable, and even, rather be used for better things...



/from chat; these are my thoughts... opinions... i might be wrong; this is just how i see it...

dont get offended and if, then - epiphany?huh?/

i cant blame you for this, but people in general dont like complaining much, i know it firsthand,

i complained way too much, that it started to annoy people (what a goofy mistake)



also, dont ask people on >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk, they hold themselves on "high" standard

(self-proclaimed, self-entitled geniuses, autists (whatever that means "in their book"), know-it-alls...)

also, no such discussion is possible in "religion" media - whatever becomes fad, popular and highly acclaimed,

it loses all "magic" the time redditors

(not all of them are bad, but in general, ~ every lie got some true and start somewhere (to be believable))

and fandoms (past 2013; things from here hits different) lose its niche status and becomes , mainly for

"revival gems/all-time classics" - obsessions... (sorry if i cant explain this any better, or if i lie

- this is just what i and maybe some other people think)



you are not going insane - it is just that... evangelion was "inaccesible", "lost" (wink wink) and with

Netflix, "all hell broke loose" - normies *suddenly* re-discovered "gem" , - or so those *first-watchers*,

call it so and hold that, to a high status (if you are curious, there are some (such) tropes on Evangelion

at TVTropes.org) ... [my fav trope is Main/ItsPopularNowItSucks]



/will NOT explain further - just feel the feelz.../

i understand it is hard to do so with autism. or when you are me and cant hardly lie about anything.

i feel like kid, but i got not that heart or balls to lie. it just feels *disgusting* to me, somewhat,

it is weird. (could also be called naiive.)



it has to be hard to "make" reason when this is nothing that horrible to worry about. i would have no idea too,

how to make lie (alternative story) on spot... people , and normies, has done worse things. murders get glorified too :/



/*same^*/

but this can also mean , "sign" (or you colud lie yourself into (i should prolly at times like that)) that

you have to prove them wrong. - not thru words, but acts. working harder, doing art, trying to set habits,

declutter - like that (i lie to myself now, but those things could work for others - i am too stubborn

and *quirky* to change anything (and egoistic - something like Asuka, only that i am scaring of this coping

mechanism of mine (or i got none such trait and lie to myself i have; again)))



/opinion; ^#3/

just see that IP as "religion", "fad" - or even! - always in positive light!

different view is always hard, but for society to improve (not saying politics or economics now), it is very needed.

- we seem, as Western society, to run away from problems, meaning - they get never solved and are just carried further

and futher, until similar problems cluster, accumulate together - if this all even make some sense.



/rant; all from -my- chats.../

i meant, that they see "too much" into it. the anime being overhyped - those who seen it at original run,

contrary to those who seen it the first time only on Netflix, creating kind of "temple", circlejerk, place

where ... the people ever forget why they love(d) it, yet they repeat it again and again (primary meaning

being lost) - worse of it, some might be just affluenzed by all those people, claiming how "high standard"

the anime is/was. ~ also, that they (again) see "too much" into it - with all the themes, visuals and tropes

- being not that deep really ~ the final episodes were goal, THE message, amid "filibuster" providing as

"helping hands/support of story"



stupid incel "i am so popular look" edgy (zoomer) "i dont get it" "and?" *lost in translation (*just saying) *

kids... i am not blaming you. there is just saying about "if you need to tell more than three people (iirc),

you want attention - no help" - idk how it goes with chatrooms tho...

it is indeed strange. no one can read? or understand? [well, if we live in world *like this (post-truth 2020,

trump-russia-gov_papers...)*, it really makes me (no) baffle at the state of society :/]

/



    Jul 15, 2023 

    Add bookmark
    #44

PART #2

It was just Hideaki Anno's way to differentiate his anime from others.



And that with fandom - that is typical. Happened to me, yet, I don't like to lie or feel bad, hurting others.

/ I am just afraid that one day, I will have no choice, no will to longer hold it all in, - and go berserk,

or do some weird shit, just to be seen... Can't explain it, maybe I just want to meet with people, that are

same as me, in that regards. Underdogs, abandoned, banished... It just makes me, at the same time, uncomfortable

if I would be seen by *normies*, my stupid brain assume they are all same, neoliberal "orange Emilys" who hate,

yet support capitalistic exploitation by megacorps...

I couldn't care less, if I didn't hate my age bracket so much, in general. I got nothing in common with them.

If I ever would want to, it just makes me feel like copycat. Just liking something for sake of it, so fake...

(Tiktok have been disastrous to human race... (*Fill in intro from Katsinski's manifesto*))



I can't quite tell why I feel like this, if I want to, or I was just learned, made to, or just imagine myself

being like this. If I want to be just weird for the sake of it, because I want to ?mean something special, for

someone ~ is it just love?? Wait, maybe I just want to ?have sex...



*Sorry for rant, I am just Confussed about my relationship with humanity and my generation.





During 10th grade, one of the things that helped me cope was a book called The Catcher in the Rye

by J.D. Salinger. The main character of the book, Holden Caufield, felt like he was trapped in a world of

"phonies", people who just didn't give a care about anything, people who pretended to be someone else, people

who tried to be other people. As I myself felt like I was in a similar predicament, given the fact that

the adults of 10th grade were very neglectful.



yes, i read it too, on my own accord. we should, but we got no time on curriculum, so it was for me,

just out of curiosity

funnily, the MC talks like i do - maybe i just copy others and things i like, unconsciously, or my

"dark side" does (that one that goes against my values, but in my own "interest" (w/o values/virtues involved)...





I'm waiting for someone to love as well, as I seek a wife for myself to be the comfort of my eyes.

Admittedly, I struggle with lust, which is one of the reasons I wish for a wife, so I can make her feel good,

as well as myself.



yes. i too has problem, i just cant excuse myself wanting something out of selfishness, so i have to find

"someone" to do it for... i know it is wrong, terrible and disgusting, but i just simply "dont matter that much"...





Who are these "orange Emilys". What country are you from?



it is hard to pinpoint, but mostly what i got is (political compass memes) - (young) people who try to

"fight" capitalistic malpractices with ever more capitalism (imho, makes no sense much);

and they self-identify themselves, because (idk) they feel good if they relate(?)...

pic-rel meme:

- https://images7.memedroid.com/images/UPLOADED997/5ff1d19d8145f.jpeg

- https://lens.google.com/search?p=Acn1BYftK2hy7OFxfWzrXP8kc9JsIM6UbXyjGy3ZqsD8VAkq7qp0xAnNVfxyM-

7_yW6MbPxDLDy4Ev_vzhx08_pcWeKaxYmj3v_ZFWRQqU43KwBhdukbvnQNPO0ovWM8lSTvpLQtWfv2FfE7uguME3mDMcSKtYeow

DeudfDjo8CsOr0p3oWXHjAuSY9Oe0XqIfXM4nb8m7-6H6gbzkTCZaB0Mkxjw8FPS7yjVBx5QDzN--Y9aEEzkcLuhTAFadFDwXsE

JimynJ06OQf4fgHn7-sZ6uXSupY47ea0NoOss8Q4&ep=ccm#lns=W251bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGw

sIkVrY0tKR014TldJNU5ETTRMV0l3WkRndE5HSXhNaTA0Tm1KbExXSTBZVGsxTXpsa05EazVNQklmTUROemJWWTJja2RDVTI5WU

5FbGhORUZXWjJGWFdVRkVjMjVhVjJ4U1p3PT0iLG51bGwsbnVsbCxbW251bGwsbnVsbCwiMC0wIl0sWyI1NzYxZTkyZC01YjYyL

TQ5NWEtYjFkNi1jYjBjOWFmNmMyZWQiXV1d

- https://lens.google.com/search?p=Acn1BYftO4tIb3k_Gc9gEcoS8rauWU8P_KYPY8SLx9A9klW3EYrU8SfjBCL1CIz0

hWTrL8siVLj1NSqH1huHbFJkFZIsfSQq5gMm80BP_VFArnAdjr-

3-qcguWHTPVLVAwG56y7PaJiXy0uNBvMv_W4JHjQHD0N6YtGpqp0u4F7mhmvl58qLcEs60626A8j1FpwDGklIojM5P2NRPAdgum

HFHJtUgSWQXpwEjMHc3elhvQbmbtAg63UmPmgzUYtdOrovIzyFUHblgx6i2p39aQuBzs-

a7ysP5o_OAxs_isUR&ep=ccm#lns=W251bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsIkVrY0tKREZrTkRCaU5qTm

tMVE15TVRjdE5EVmlNQzFpTldWaExXUm1aR1k1TUdSa1lXVm1PUklmWTE4eVRWSmpNM2c0U0hOVVVVUjFWV2RKVkUxaWJEVm5kb

HAwVjJ4U1p3PT0iLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLDEsbnVsbCxbbnVsbCxudWxsLFswLDAsMTAwMDAwLDEwMDAwMF0sbnVsbCw1XV0=





oh, so it seems (TIL) those are meme generalizations of SJWs; idk on the last one tho...

(maybe i am???) /*rest redacted*/



dreams? i havent got those in years. since 2012/13 when "meanings and values shifted",

it looks like Mark Fisher has truth and we indeed live in world where future wont come,

and we will live forever *like this* (*broadly shows and throws hands around*)



there are 8 billion people, so if it doesnt harm anyone (1st-hand), it should be ok; maybe

if you showed it to some veterans (no jokes), they too would react similarly, or someone who

might be hit by it (but not on >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk much ;) )

it is weird, how you feel hit by it, almost, if not, feel the urge to change; yet, you seem

(talking from my experience) to shrug it off as "i was made into this, who i am, by accidents,

so i have no say..." - you just cant argue, because, in fact, you know no other way around

- you havent grow out of it; - to think "out of the box", differently, - you got no other reference

or experience to grab to; so you stay the same - you would love to, if you (i/me) wasnt so stubborn,

wannabe-ignorant, could see a way out of this >

is it as if i picked the wrong way and found out too late, dont remember why you did this in the

first place, and then forgot which turn leads to beggining. maybe that is the feeling - when you

want to "return to innocence"...



https://www.thetoptens.com/internet/worst-fandoms-groups-internet/ (9 - Weeboos)



... (memes incoming)



? 
ME: 1960s: on my yearly salary I bought 2 vehicles, a trailer,

a boat and 2 houses in just 10 years. | 2023: my salary is 10x greater than salary in the 60s

and I can barely make rent. I might not even get to finish writing this sentence because my

landlord is going to turn off my electri

>
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ivp442RLS8&list=TLPQMTMwNzIwMjMWY-54arCQ0A&index=2




https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FrdqalJWAAAQS2v?format=jpg&name=large



/"confussed" take/

ME: id like NATO if it were like 50s

and wouldnt try to numb-down everything to lowest common denom, like,

... "to not hurt anybody", so we need to "westernize" the globe...



ME: People cXTSJeMm_normal.jpg

NATO@NATOWorking for peace, security & freedom for one billion people.

Official Twitter account of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

#NATO #WeAreNATO... (ideas??)



ME: John Berkeyjohnberkey.com

John Berkey was an American artist known for his space and science fiction

themed works. Some of Berkey's best-known work includes much of the original

poster art for the Star Wars trilogy, the poster for the 1976 remake

of King Kong and also the "Old Elvis Stamp". Wikipedia



ME: is this bs write-up? https://aesthetics

.fandom.com/wiki/User_blog:Doom-gloom-city-pop/SANDBOX_II:_Memes:_test



ME: cute cat https://cdn.discordapp.com/

attachme...22_6345032652270180_5012621974396716339_n.png



ME: It was like I was Bateman (am.psycho),

just doing what I needed and that was it, I was like in trance. Ratherz or,

closed in my bubble, little imaginative world where people are

"gay space commies", if I have to call it retrospectively

Saturday at 2:11 AM

ME: Also, the premise of my problem is:

I was never allowed to fail. Like, I could, IF I had chance to do something

that significant that it would ever be noticeablem i just was ignorant of my

surroundings most of the time, most of my life



ME: well, wo wouldnt love to be goofy,

loved, have claws and be able to jump and hop around!

Jul 7, 2023

ME: You will never be a cat. You have no whiskers,

you have no tail, you have no fur. You are a homo sapien twisted by excessive

internet usage and autism into a crude mockery of nature's perfection

- penguinblanket ( read (these 2) from down up)

+2



ME: i guess it is psyop to make society

as fragile as possible. many narratives at once. see, they "got reasons",

vs gov that is against that disruprtor. individualism vs collectivism, govs

vs people who dont want govs or controls or snooping in their lives,

or stupid laws around, byro shit and all that



or just yt-essay-smart. like lot of peoople on net. like, emos hopped in,

then got normalized few years after, and - that happens



ME: Markov@MarkovMagnifico·20hthere's a common type

of online pseudo-intellectual whose entire repertoire of knowledge comes from

youtube videos and you can smell it on them immediately - could be me



ME: there is no You. because by West, you are

Your job, or by what you do, what you like, it is materialistic, value-driven.

values with meanings that are not defined, or which change all the time,

as the wind (pol) blows

Jul 6, 2023

ME: yes. kids and people who got too much free time.

always was case. it doesnt mean it all isnt valid, but harming yourself only

to be part of group...

Jul 6, 2023

ME: tell me more. like, i dream of gay-space-communism,

but it is not real

ME: we strive for marxism, but we know it is just theory,

so we stick for what it is, and hope for meteor to kill us all?



ME: i talked to Poe AI about bigotry and it knows nothing

about 2021, but mentioned some Black american shit happening in 2014, that started (INO?) BLM



ME: The demise of the nation state | Globalisation |

The Guardian After decades of globalisation, our political system has become obsolete

– and spasms of resurgent nationalism are a sign of its irreversible decline.

By Rana Dasgupta

Jul 6, 2023

ME: who would have know that those buying bitcoin would

not be cofee-drinking anarchists, but those at top, those who are the reason crypto exist...



https://64.media.tumblr.com/6957212c1c3275937d2e998dee612e42/6e9b5a3363a4e84d-17

/s540x810/03a4e0059d13b19b3b5ec13f2b9b2717319e1d8c.jpg



ME: https://lonerwolf.com/lying-to-yourself/ did it all.vhehehe. sad.

Been there did that. I feel like robot. I wanted to go batshit so many times.

No idea what stops me every time. Fear,.knowledge that next revolution after

success will become another norm? Maybe I just hate that idea.

ME: Kinda opposite. Online, I tend to generalize and to be abrasive, mean, cynical,

afraid of misunderstanding and angry (state of current web). IRL, I am sweet, nice,

cute, innocent and almost doormat. I can't say no. Got no heart to be selfish.

Idk how to be



society itself. No double taxes, no money into Sus projects but as direct as possible,

schools being no standardized but being ROIs as means produced by students/working class,

no job gaps, terminating stupid job applying and need for uni unless IRL needed

Jul 6, 2023

ME: Instead of internet ending this class struggle, it just swapped coats. Low and high

posh, arguing over who *started* **this**. Those up need those below. Those down, well few,

will become top ones, believe it or not. That is the pain of success. And power-trip.

Jul 6, 2023

ME: So we know what is wrong. Then, what is stopping us is the force of habit. Myth we tell

ourselves. No. Past wasn't glorious. If it was, we wouldn't have to suffer its "unfillment;

broken promise; aborted plan"

Jul 6, 2023

ME: Yeah, you saying all that makes me think of self-censoring, seeded-in by Society.

Generations, and generalizations, patting ourselves how we know, or how we know.

And being content, with those half-lives, rather than to challenge ourselves,

for that we may find truth, that all is terrifying...

Jul 6, 2023

ME: It is weird how I "hate" people and society behind screen, and all that disappears

when I am outside. Anxiety is gone. I wonder. Why is it that, why at home I am anarchist

who hate The system (all ills),but irl want to help everyone? God, it would be so easier

if I was stupid reactionary. But I don't want to destroy what works. And there is

so much that don't.

Jul 6, 2023

ME: Like, afraid of myself. I don't want to do anything of fear , consequences,

fear of success, not knowing what to do if my dreams came through - then what?

Will I be suicidal? Will I try to make new reality, where nothing stands on solid ground

- where all that matters is improvement? But then what. Do I want that or it is not my dream,

just something I want so I can belong?

Jul 6, 2023

ME: Too stupid-smart. False intelligence. Posh ego, but that don't boast - only that

I do nothing, *superior* in my inaction, lying myself how smart I am, so I don't have

to disrupt world.

Jul 6, 2023

ME: There has been discussion about when dude burnt the Talented kids school. LCD being,

those are psychos who will go thru dead. I wonder what make me not be like that.

I am exact opposite, emotional mess that can't do anything "to not hurt others". I wonder.

Maybe I lack inter-personal skills too, so I try to greypill myself as evil, holding myself

back on my own restrictions

/


from another thread i am onto deleting:

Pain-posting (fear, anger, desperation... etc.)​

    Thread starterSome_porcupine
    Start dateMar 6, 2023
    Tagsangercontroldesperationemotionalfearpainpsychological
    This thread has been viewed 274 times.



Jednoducho sa bojím že ak sa zmením, čo i len k lepšiemu, potom nespoznam sám seba. Je to hlúpa myšlienka, ale neviem sa jej zbaviť. Ak sa zmením, kto som potom bol na začiatku? Ak je osobnosť len spôsob 
ako nás klame ego, potom prečo sa tým, alebo zmenou, vôbec zaoberať.

Čo ak som v skutočnosti to čo nenávidím. Potom prečo som si nahovárať všetky tieto veci? Ak mozog nevie čo je realita, potom prečo sa vôbec v niečo snažiť.

Keď budem žiť len pre seba, nemôžem zabrániť, aby som nezačal ľudí manipulovať. Nemám žiadne oporné body, od ktorých by som ani zmenu samotnú mohol odraziť. - je to, akoby si sa snažil vytvoriť hmotu 
takmer z ničoho.

Je to ako s E=mc² - už radšej ani neskusas, pretože tá unavuje zisťovať prečo to robíš. Pre seba, druhých, spoločnosť, z nudy, zvedavosti?

Čo ak nechcem. Čo ak toto je fajn a jednoducho nie som typ človeka, ktorý sa chce predierať medzi ostatných? No bojím sa toho, že to vlastne chcem, alebo sa bojím tejto mojej samotnej súčasti - niekto, kto 
by šiel aj cez mŕtvoly, aby mu ostatní dali pokoj alebo to čo chce.

Bál si sa sám seba tak veľmi, že radšej by si konečne vybuchol ako pracne pracovať na niečom, čo vlastne ani nevieš prečo a čo robíš?

Radšej by si vykričať celej spoločnosti aká je pokrytecká, než niečo urobiť - pretože sa bojíš následkov. Je tak ťažké kontrolovať sám seba. Tak únavné. Nevieš ani prečo to robíš. Nechceš ubližovať, no ak 
ostatní môžu, ale je to tvoja chyba že sa necháš (vytočiť), čo potom?

Ale nie. To je úplne normálne. Pretože spoločnosť takto funguje. Nemôžeš nič, všetko je zlé, zakázané, tabu.

Ak pedofíliu bude sexualita alebo ak strach bude oslavovaný, potom je jedno co urobíš, väčšina bude mať pravdu, nech aj všetko bude ukazovať na to že ju nemajú.

Perverzita postmodernizmu. Žiadne hodnoty, všetko je relatívne. Kontroluje všetko. Seba, okolie, planétu, ulicu. Nie je nič ľahšie ako robiť obete z ľudí, čo len chcú poznať pravdu. Pretože ešte nepočuli o 
Patente na pravdu. Ak je realita len konstrukt v našich hlavách, potom prečo pravdu potrebujeme? Ach, mi-lu-jem to tu (sarkazmus)...

Last edited: Mar 6, 2023



    #2

Bojím sa, že ak by som bol "normálny/ako ostatní", potom by som bol zlý. Použil by som, vedome či ne/podvedome ľudí na svoje ciele, vodil ich aby robili čokoľvek. A toho, že cesta do pekla je dlážděná
dobrými úmyslami. Proste, že so sebavedomím bude zo mňa vypočítavy zmrd čo bude mať 10-bodovy plán, ako sa pomstiť tým z minulosti, a predstieral že som kto nie som. Snáď to časť mňa niekde vzadu zvažuje.
Aj keď tak veľmi neznášam pretvárku. Čo ak je to však jedno, jediná možnosť ako uspieť, získať čo chcem - aj keď vlastne, neviem čo chcem. Možno len mať moc a pravdu, možno varovat ľudí pred tým, čo sa
môže stať, ak sa zdajú slobody pre bezpečnosť. Nechcem byť jediným kto to vidí. Aj tak "ja" neexistuje, je to len cesta akou mozog chráni sám seba - Za každú cenu. Prečo potom si myslí, že zostať na jednom
mieste, v jednom názore, je lepšie, než sa (ne) obávať, že sa zmením? (Aj, si to ty, Newton?)

/



    Sep 4, 2023 

    Add bookmark
    #46

forum.agoraroad.com
Same-sex parenting and lack of father figures
I think a kid with two same-sex parents can turn out OK, but its not the ideal; that being said, I think they should be allowed to adopt, but creating new children, no. I don't feel its right to cultivate 
a kid in a lab and automatically separate them from one of their true parents. I was an...
forum.agoraroad.com forum.agoraroad.com

Oh the SSP explains few things ...
Since I was born (pretty fucked up as I am) parents and in particular father started to coddle me. So and so, he somewhat threw away his man aspect, and is somewhat feminine. I guess that it is because (I 
guess not) father used to tell at him and bear him up, the 50-60s style parents (born around that time, and we, and parents use to, be 10 years in the past *here*)
So he tries to defend that but it feels then, that I am weird on purpose - just afraid to end up like everyone else; can't explain why. (Maybe older sister and being in somewhat development age during Teen 
punk era, and her being in puberty then too (8yrs difference) doesn't help at all...
So I am not fatherless, but I sometimes wish I were, coz my father is mess and contrarian and mother too. They can't see the things they caused to me, turned me out to be what I am now. I'd like to blame 
them, but "I gave birth to you" "(your health complications)" nada nada... I hate they are so blind on this!
I am fucked up (for life, with their attitude) and all they can say is "what can children in Africa say" "(children W/o hands)" and shit like that!
Makes me furious cry in disgust and hopelessness...

Tbh, my sister, being tomboy she used to be, was better father role to me than my father. Only if I could recall all the lectures she gave me, the feeling she gave me is the only thing that remains.
Hate this, when only thing I can explain ",the elephant in the room" I wrote about *up here*, is that "I can feel it". I can! I can't just name it. I can recognize pattern or some shit,
- but telling whatever to my mother, or parents, is like throwing peas at the brick wall... :(

/



    Monday at 2:49 AM 

    Add bookmark
    #47

"New" memory, remember pain

I am wasting my time. I have all time in the world, yet can't decide what I want to do or why. If I'd discovered some free/cracked courses I could take.... It just feel so futile and useless. I am yet
aware that is just excuse, yet, I got 0 patience with shit. Seeing no goal in the end, and world changing, and new lessons to be learned (example: CSS things being added up every now and then), it makes me
cockoo in the head . Nothing ever ends, so why to even start. Feels like skill issues. Sounds like excuses. Yet, it is just fear to fail. If I knew by 11 I'm gonna end up like this, and that
aftergiftedness is a thing, and I'd never we edu-sponge 4ever, I'd could be much further. Not afraid to fail, I never learnt how to...

/ (from bottom to top, ends here)

I am wasting my time.
I have all time in the world, yet can't decide what I want to do or why.
If I'd discovered some free/cracked courses I could take.... It just feel so futile and useless.
I am yet aware that is just excuse, yet, I got 0 patience with shit. Seeing no goal in the end, and world changing, and new lessons to be learned (example: CSS things being added up every now and then), 
it makes me cockoo in the head . 
Nothing ever ends, so why to even start.
Feels like skill issues. Sounds like excuses. Yet, it is just fear to fail.
If I knew by 11 I'm gonna end up like this, and that aftergiftedness is a thing, and I'd never we edu-sponge 4ever, I'd could be much further. Not afraid to fail, I never learnt how to...

/

Neutrál. Still afraid to commit, be happy. I just feel fine. In case something happens, I'd be not as surprised as if I was happy go lucky. I am happy, but only slightly and only at times. Learned 
skepticism I can say. Awareness, controling myself - so my happiness wouldn't not case me problems - as if I was drunk and couldn't watch myself, if you get me...
You?

/


Oct 10, 2023
afraid. to set goals, do anything
first real job i had, and the boss was stupid go-getter who looked only for results
in NGO, where most of the things were deductibles and gifted stuff
if i werent afraid of myself , conflict or other men (idk why),
id prolly smash his head onto something
he was hated by everyone there
idk, simply, cant describe that
"we are like family"
yeah - dysfunctional one!
idk why and other hated him
it was.... his attitude
not so disimilar to Matovic, ex-PM here... in fact

/


Aug 30, 2023
i am kinda teenagering now
as actual teen, i was stuck up in my ass and head
NPC mode, no thoughts, no responsive - just my mind on autoplay,, "what can all go wrong"

/

...

Aug 30, 2023
same
but it is kinda "2004-2009" dream that never came to be - "tumblrite" anarchy, to take power from "those on top" and "make world yours" XD

but i think you are speaking of trauma you went thru

/


Aug 28, 2023

    GUY said:
    Yes, a man who is afraid of ending up trapped in a situation where he is powerless and has no way to defend himself.

    I think this is a rational fear to have.

    But in my instance, it has manifested into agoraphobia; the fear of humiliation and helplessness

kinda same
i fear people, unless i need to - then its ok; i dont understand. maybe thats just fear
got it, too

helplessness?

/

(to me)

Aug 28, 2023

    Some_porcupine said:
    the little prince vs the peter pan character/trope/syndrome

Yes, a man who is afraid of ending up trapped in a situation where he is powerless and has no way to defend himself.

I think this is a rational fear to have.

But in my instance, it has manifested into agoraphobia; the fear of humiliation and helplessness

/


    Some_porcupine said: (me)
    i really wish 2007 was here forever
    maybe i was just kid then
    but there seems to be no problem there
    does naiivity ends always this rapidly?

Well, in a way of speaking, sometimes I feel like a child trapped in a man's body.

/


Jul 27, 2023
Yeah, it's shitty to see/or empath "I'll sponsor your revolution" world being normalized. I call it "Apple sticker: I hate capitalism"
If you get me XD

/


Jul 26, 2023
Started to feel nothing.
Nowhere to go, to do, be.
I don't want to care.

We got clima crisis, but it makes no sense to scream about it, if we can't do nothing. 60s were (right time) to change society, to build community - and not to fall for everything-solution. Ever heard of 
homogenisation? You can see it on webs designs...
So, it seems that world too, lost nuance. If you did bad, then you did bad, no excuse, explanations, empathy, understanding, - no "good person turned bad by turns of events", - post-9/11, post-2014/16 
"there is only one way, and that is..." (Capitalism problems to be solved (lol) by even more of (it) capitalism).

We need good vision of future, or we can just k*s - nothing you do makes any rational sense, any justification, you just fight life and rich bitches - ah, I got a dream XD - one day, populace sobpissed up, 
that they'll stop to "support " this *all distractions*... You might see it already (not the revolution, but), "mouthpieces" claiming another (exaggerated) *drama/crisis*.
FFS "good grief"! Why tf you are telling us all this! We are "already" useless! You make no sense, Baka! I am your puppet! That s like asking for revolution! (But yeah, that is LIKELY (not) to happen anyway...)

/


Jul 17, 2023
Only told me *the thing*, not really.
Gtg, I just wanted to spill final beans. Like, I compare myself to others, because my body is weirdly-shaped (little detour) /maybe from past peritoneal dialysis/
See you tommorow, 3am soon.

You can write so much about your ex (RIP, iirc) as you wish, I'll read that tomorrow or later.

Gn

/


Jul 16, 2023
i try to
maybe , i wonder - i wasnt in similar situations, that if i ever could relate...
not to be selfish - it is only that (and i guess many, if not everybody have is such way) - you need to experience, first see, and relate to things, - to really understand
ever maybe more so, in topics as this one

/


Jul 15, 2023
i want too. but was harrased for it many times
called "attention-whore" , "shit", "jebko" - like, i was dumping my opinions on right-wing slovak copy of 4chan
because i was lonely, "wanted to change society" - i was oblivious to fact, i was doing the thing i would hate the same, if done to me
i got at times, problems to see others as people - *internet issue* | i just wanted to be "special", to mean something, to be "the (one who is) right one", to teach those egoists and complainers - being 
the same, too...
so, i dumped my excerpts of my blog in there; out of boredom, lonesomeness, curiosity, frustration (from that negativistic place)...

/

...
i found this entry:

"I love anime so much, but then it gets to the point where everything that's not Japanese completely SUCKS. Then they all act like they want to be Japanese instead of embracing their own cultures. 
Allow me to provide a true anecdote to verify this point:
So here I am, on the first day of school, with my Mexican friend, the sweetest, funniest, best friend ever, who takes her culture very seriously. I am Pakistani, and yes, I admit I do that as well
sometimes. Well, a couple of weeks later, she starts hanging out with a group of people who call themselves Otakus and Weeaboos and are constantly talking about how great anime is. So I watch anime. It's
awesome. I love it. But weeks later, my friend refuses to watch ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING from the Western world, and she buys manga instead of the usual comic books we read (we were both big fans of
Spiderman 2099). Yeah, I was okay with this, even though it kind of irked me. But then, she told me that anime is the only thing she'll ever really watch, and she wouldn't go to the yearly comic book fest
at our local library because it was Western. And her friends agreed with her, and slowly started to shun me out, even when I did talk about anime. Sure, it's okay to like what you like, but keep an open
mind. And all this ships and yaoi and stuff gets on my nerves.
https://www.thetoptens.com/internet/worst-fandoms-groups-internet/ (9 - Weeboos)

looking more more stories


/

dreams? i havent got those in years. since 2012/13 when "meanings and values shifted", it looks like Mark Fisher has truth and we indeed live in world where future wont come, and we will live forever *like 
this* (*broadly shows and throws hands around*)

there are 8 billion people, so if it doesnt harm anyone (1st-hand), it should be ok; maybe if you showed it to some veterans (no jokes), they too would react similarly, or someone who might be hit by it 
(but not on >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk much ;) )
it is weird, how you feel hit by it, almost, if not, feel the urge to change; yet, you seem (talking from my experience) to shrug it off as "i was made into this, who i am, by accidents, so i have no say..." 
- you just cant argue, because, in fact, you know no other way around - you havent grow out of it; - to think "out of the box", differently, - you got no other reference or experience to grab to; so you 
stay the same - you would love to, if you (i/me) wasnt so stubborn, wannabe-ignorant, could see a way out of this >
is it as if i picked the wrong way and found out too late, dont remember why you did this in the first place, and then forgot which turn leads to beggining. maybe that is the feeling - when you want to 
"return to innocence"...

/


Jul 11, 2023

    雨、Some_porcupine、 逃げ出した後 said:
    i meant, that they see "too much" into it. the anime being overhyped - those who seen it at original run, contrary to those who seen it the first time only on Netflix, creating kind of "temple", 
    circlejerk, place where ... the people ever forget why they love(d) it, yet they repeat it again and again (primary meaning being lost) - worse of it, some might be just affluenzed by all those people, 
    claiming how "high standard" the anime is/was. ~ also, that they (again) see "too much" into it - with all the themes, visuals and tropes - being not that deep really ~ the final episodes were goal, 
    THE message, amid "filibuster" providing as "helping hands/support of story"

    stupid incel "i am so popular look" edgy (zoomer) "i dont get it" "and?" *lost in translation (*just saying) * kids... i am not blaming you. there is just saying about "if you need to tell more than 
    three people (iirc), you want attention - no help" - idk how it goes with chatrooms tho...
    it is indeed strange. no one can read? or understand? [well, if we live in world *like this (post-truth 2020, trump-russia-gov_papers...)*, it really makes me (no) baffle at the state of society :/]

Incels, edgy zoomers, I met them all in the Evangelion fandom, which is really sad considering the context of the anime. It's as if the fandom is the complete opposite of everything the series was trying 
to convey to them in the first place, "Don't make others suffer for your own personal hatred", and they somehow completely missed the point, which is ironic given how many of them act like they know better 
just to make themselves feel better.

I admit, I too saw "too much" into it, because being the Christian I was, and am, I thought I was seeing something unholy, something not meant to be seen by mankind. It wasn't until I did further research 
that I realized that Evangelion has NOTHING to do with Christianity.
 
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It was just Hideaki Anno's way to differentiate his anime from others.

And that with fandom - that is typical. Happened to me, yet, I don't like to lie or feel bad, hurting others. / I am just afraid that one day, I will have no choice, no will to longer hold it all in, - and 
go berserk, or do some weird shit, just to be seen... Can't explain it, maybe I just want to meet with people, that are same as me, in that regards. Underdogs, abandoned, banished... It just makes me, at 
the same time, uncomfortable if I would be seen by *normies*, my stupid brain assume they are all same, neoliberal "orange Emilys" who hate, yet support capitalistic exploitation by megacorps...
I couldn't care less, if I didn't hate my age bracket so much, in general. I got nothing in common with them. If I ever would want to, it just makes me feel like copycat. Just liking something for sake of 
it, so fake... (Tiktok have been disastrous to human race... (*Fill in intro from Katsinski's manifesto*))

I can't quite tell why I feel like this, if I want to, or I was just learned, made to, or just imagine myself being like this. If I want to be just weird for the sake of it, because I want to ?mean 
something special, for someone ~ is it just love?? Wait, maybe I just want to ?have sex...

*Sorry for rant, I am just Confussed about my relationship with humanity and my generation.
 
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    雨、Some_porcupine、 逃げ出した後 said:
    It was just Hideaki Anno's way to differentiate his anime from others.

    And that with fandom - that is typical. Happened to me, yet, I don't like to lie or feel bad, hurting others. / I am just afraid that one day, I will have no choice, no will to longer hold it all in, - 
    and go berserk, or do some weird shit, just to be seen... Can't explain it, maybe I just want to meet with people, that are same as me, in that regards. Underdogs, abandoned, banished... It just makes 
    me, at the same time, uncomfortable if I would be seen by *normies*, my stupid brain assume they are all same, neoliberal "orange Emilys" who hate, yet support capitalistic exploitation by megacorps...
    I couldn't care less, if I didn't hate my age bracket so much, in general. I got nothing in common with them. If I ever would want to, it just makes me feel like copycat. Just liking something for sake 
    of it, so fake... (Tiktok have been disastrous to human race... (*Fill in intro from Katsinski's manifesto*))

    I can't quite tell why I feel like this, if I want to, or I was just learned, made to, or just imagine myself being like this. If I want to be just weird for the sake of it, because I want to ?mean 
    something special, for someone ~ is it just love?? Wait, maybe I just want to ?have sex...

    *Sorry for rant, I am just Confussed about my relationship with humanity and my generation.
    Click to expand...

In a manner of speaking, that too is one of my greatest fears; something happening to me, of me, that I am unable to control, and lose my shit completely. Because that's exactly what I wanted to do in 10th 
grade; shoot up the entire fucking school for the abuse they put me through.

Who are these "orange Emilys". What country are you from?

Tbh, I could care less either, as I too hated my own age bracket, having been bullied and mistreated by my own peers three times in my lifetime.

Having nothing in common with them was one of the reasons that made me insecure about my own image. Indeed, trying to fit in can make a person such as you and me feel like copycats, phonies.

During 10th grade, one of the things that helped me cope was a book called The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. The main character of the book, Holden Caufield, felt like he was trapped in a world of 
"phonies", people who just didn't give a care about anything, people who pretended to be someone else, people who tried to be other people. As I myself felt like I was in a similar predicament, given the 
fact that the adults of 10th grade were very neglectful.

No worries about the rant, rant all you want to me.

I'm waiting for someone to love as well, as I seek a wife for myself to be the comfort of my eyes. Admittedly, I struggle with lust, which is one of the reasons I wish for a wife, so I can make her feel 
good, as well as myself.
 
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    GUY said:
    During 10th grade, one of the things that helped me cope was a book called The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. The main character of the book, Holden Caufield, felt like he was trapped in a world 
    of "phonies", people who just didn't give a care about anything, people who pretended to be someone else, people who tried to be other people. As I myself felt like I was in a similar predicament, 
    given the fact that the adults of 10th grade were very neglectful.

yes, i read it too, on my own accord. we should, but we got no time on curriculum, so it was for me, just out of curiosity
funnily, the MC talks like i do - maybe i just copy others and things i like, unconsciously, or my "dark side" does (that one that goes against my values, but in my own "interest" (w/o values/virtues 
involved)...

    GUY said:
    I'm waiting for someone to love as well, as I seek a wife for myself to be the comfort of my eyes. Admittedly, I struggle with lust, which is one of the reasons I wish for a wife, so I can make her 
    feel good, as well as myself.

yes. i too has problem, i just cant excuse myself wanting something out of selfishness, so i have to find "someone" to do it for... i know it is wrong, terrible and disgusting, but i just simply "dont 
matter that much"...

    GUY said:
    Who are these "orange Emilys". What country are you from?

it is hard to pinpoint, but mostly what i got is (political compass memes) - (young) people who try to "fight" capitalistic malpractices with ever more capitalism (imho, makes no sense much);
and they self-identify themselves, because (idk) they feel good if they relate(?)...
pic-rel meme:
1689085281120.png
1689085348202.png
1689085541100.png

oh, so it seems (TIL) those are meme generalizations of SJWs; idk on the last one tho... (maybe i am???)

I am from Slovakia (Next to Czech, above Hungary/under Poland)
 
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    雨、Some_porcupine、 逃げ出した後 said:
    yes, i read it too, on my own accord. we should, but we got no time on curriculum, so it was for me, just out of curiosity
    funnily, the MC talks like i do - maybe i just copy others and things i like, unconsciously, or my "dark side" does (that one that goes against my values, but in my own "interest" (w/o values/virtues 
    involved)...


    yes. i too has problem, i just cant excuse myself wanting something out of selfishness, so i have to find "someone" to do it for... i know it is wrong, terrible and disgusting, but i just simply "dont 
    matter that much"...


    it is hard to pinpoint, but mostly what i got is (political compass memes) - (young) people who try to "fight" capitalistic malpractices with ever more capitalism (imho, makes no sense much);
    and they self-identify themselves, because (idk) they feel good if they relate(?)...
    pic-rel meme:
    View attachment 68099View attachment 68100View attachment 68101
    oh, so it seems (TIL) those are meme generalizations of SJWs; idk on the last one tho... (maybe i am???)

    I am from Slovakia (Next to Czech, above Hungary/under Poland)
    Click to expand...

Those who copy others for the sake of being liked by others are misguided. After all, how can you be liked by others if you copy them?

It's neither terrible, nor is it disgusting. It is simply the primal instinct to procreate, reproduce. Humans are inherently selfish, because we want to feel good. That's not the problem, the real problem 
is wanting happiness at the expense of others own. Just wanting to feel good isn't selfish, it's just the desire to be happy. If both parties having sex are happy, their needs fulfilled by one another, 
it's not a selfish thing at all, neither is it anything to be ashamed about.

God gave us the gift of procreation for man to "cleave unto his wife and become one flesh". That's what he always intended. It's that mankind has perverted the gift, misused it.

Capitalism isn't perfect. As an American, I admit. It has many flaws. Capitalism cannot be unregulated, or the economy plunges into anarchy.

You're from Slovakia. You listen to Smetana?
 
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    GUY said:
    You're from Slovakia. You listen to Smetana?

Bedřich Smetana?
well, i sometimes listen to some piano songs (instrumentals) on Spotify, when the mood hits
idk, i could (ive been in the loop of songs YT gives me, all the same i herd before; it is comforting and kinda annoying at the same time)
 
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    雨、Some_porcupine、 逃げ出した後 said:
    Bedřich Smetana?
    well, i sometimes listen to some piano songs (instrumentals) on Spotify, when the mood hits
    idk, i could (ive been in the loop of songs YT gives me, all the same i herd before; it is comforting and kinda annoying at the same time)

The one and only Bedrich Smetana.

I love his piece, "Moldau" from the album, Ma Vlast. It's so tranquil and articulate.

/...


well, what could have been worse,
would be that if they added some passages that would
make you *this* "dogfucker", as they said
and i can only imagine how painful and embarrassing that must be,
yet, take it as opportunity - people can finally see that not all EVA fans
just see that IP as "religion", "fad" - or even! - always in positive light!
different view is always hard, but for society to improve (not saying politics or economics now), it is very needed. - we seem, as Western society, to run away from problems, meaning - they get never 
solved and are just carried further and futher, until similar problems cluster, accumulate together - if this all even make some sense.
 
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    雨、Some_porcupine、 逃げ出した後 said:
    well, what could have been worse,
    would be that if they added some passages that would
    make you *this* "dogfucker", as they said
    and i can only imagine how painful and embarrassing that must be,
    yet, take it as opportunity - people can finally see that not all EVA fans
    just see that IP as "religion", "fad" - or even! - always in positive light!
    different view is always hard, but for society to improve (not saying politics or economics now), it is very needed. - we seem, as Western society, to run away from problems, meaning - they get never 
    
    solved and are just carried further and futher, until similar problems cluster, accumulate together - if this all even make some sense.
    Click to expand...

Well, it did get worse, especially when they threatened to hunt me down and kill me, because of the lies that they've bought.
But finally, it's seems to have finally come to an end.
Indeed, it was really painful and embarrassing.

What do you mean by "just see that IP as "religion", "Fad" - in a positive light?"

That's not what upsets me, what upsets me was how the bad people of the fandom were able to turn the good people of the fandom against me by creating lies from truth.
 
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    GUY said:
    Given everything I've told you, past and present.

    Is it understandable why I hate Evangelion? Why I'm afraid of it?

    How the series triggered my PTSD? How the fandom shamed me for being unable to love Evangelion? Going so far as to stalk me and cyberbully me?

because you were forced to watch it nonetheless, (as of previous traumas; reliving those) (Kaworu, Shinji masturbating, Asuka being mind-raped...)
you tried to make/project comfort character in Shinji,
you was then forced to provide further why you do so (hate EVA),
and was ridiculed for truth. labeled as zoophole, and that minor labeling you as molester (schizophrenia on his side) [sorry if i forgot something] *and as you said, that cyberbullying - and ridicule...*
 
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    雨、Some_porcupine、 逃げ出した後 said:
    because you were forced to watch it nonetheless, (as of previous traumas; reliving those) (Kaworu, Shinji masturbating, Asuka being mind-raped...)
    you tried to make/project comfort character in Shinji,
    you was then forced to provide further why you do so (hate EVA),
    and was ridiculed for truth. labeled as zoophole, and that minor labeling you as molester (schizophrenia on his side) [sorry if i forgot something] *and as you said, that cyberbullying - and ridicule...*

Exactly.

And is it ok if I am afraid of Evangelion?
 
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    GUY said:
    What do you mean by "just see that IP as "religion", "Fad" - in a positive light?"

    That's not what upsets me, what upsets me was how the bad people of the fandom were able to turn the good people of the fandom against me by creating lies from truth.

i meant, that they see "too much" into it. the anime being overhyped - those who seen it at original run, contrary to those who seen it the first time only on Netflix, creating kind of "temple", circlejerk, 
place where ... the people ever forget why they love(d) it, yet they repeat it again and again (primary meaning being lost) - worse of it, some might be just affluenzed by all those people, claiming how 
"high standard" the anime is/was. ~ also, that they (again) see "too much" into it - with all the themes, visuals and tropes - being not that deep really ~ the final episodes were goal, THE message, amid 
"filibuster" providing as "helping hands/support of story"

stupid incel "i am so popular look" edgy (zoomer) "i dont get it" "and?" *lost in translation (*just saying) * kids... i am not blaming you. there is just saying about "if you need to tell more than three 
people (iirc), you want attention - no help" - idk how it goes with chatrooms tho...
it is indeed strange. no one can read? or understand? [well, if we live in world *like this (post-truth 2020, trump-russia-gov_papers...)*, it really makes me (no) baffle at the state of society :/]
 
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    GUY said:
    And is it ok if I am afraid of Evangelion?

i wouldnt call that afraid. i would call that called out, reopening a wound, disgusted from/by familiarity, repelled/repulsed

or, are you rather scared that... you would be forced into things, as MC was? willingly or unwillingly, being just a puppet of someone, just proxy for something, provider, "strong card" - so someone will 
hurt others because they believed you in the first place?

i dont know it you can relate (or i read you, that wrong) (in between lines), but those are irrational fears of mine. they cripple me. i dont want to be used like that. - it makes me (little) relate of/to 
Rei or Ritsuko, i guess
 
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    雨、Some_porcupine、 逃げ出した後 said:
    i wouldnt call that afraid. i would call that called out, reopening a wound, disgusted from/by familiarity, repelled/repulsed

    or, are you rather scared that... you would be forced into things, as MC was? willingly or unwillingly, being just a puppet of someone, just proxy for something, provider, "strong card" - so someone 
    will hurt others because they believed you in the first place?

    i dont know it you can relate (or i read you, that wrong) (in between lines), but those are irrational fears of mine. they cripple me. i dont want to be used like that. - it makes me (little) relate of
    /to Rei or Ritsuko, i guess

Well, it did reopen a wound. I'm not only disgusted by it's familiarity, but afraid of it. I have something called PTSD, which can make me have a panic attack anytime.

I am afraid or reliving these awful memories of mine, just like Asuka in episode 22.

I'm scared of how much Evangelion mirrors my own life, how I was forced into things unwillingly, and hurt as a result, just like MC. But in my case, I was psychologically abused 
by both peers and adults alike all because I was labeled as a person with Autism.

/~

i cant blame you for this, but people in general dont like complaining much, i know it firsthand, i complained way too much, that it started to annoy people (what a goofy mistake)

also, dont ask people on >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk, they hold themselves on "high" standard (self-proclaimed, self-entitled geniuses, autists (whatever that means "in their book"), know-it-alls...)
also, no such discussion is possible in "religion" media - whatever becomes fad, popular and highly acclaimed, it loses all "magic" the time redditors
(not all of them are bad, but in general, ~ every lie got some true and start somewhere (to be believable)) and fandoms (past 2013; things from here hits different) lose its niche status and becomes , 
mainly for "revival gems/all-time classics" - obsessions... (sorry if i cant explain this any better, or if i lie - this is just what i and maybe some other people think)

you are not going insane - it is just that... evangelion was "inaccesible", "lost" (wink wink) and with Netflix, "all hell broke loose" - normies *suddenly* re-discovered "gem" , - or so those 
*first-watchers*, call it so and hold that, to a high status (if you are curious, there are some (such) tropes on Evangelion at TVTropes.org) ... [my fav trope is Main/ItsPopularNowItSucks]

/

shit like this (from them) makes my blood boil
got it same
because i got transplanted kidney and ostomy, i had it similar if not even worse
it is so bad to "by accident" ("skill issue", teachers not seeing who is victim and abuser) more likely than not, punish victims. when they dont fight back, it is bad. when they do - it is bad, too.
tired of this shit.

totally, if "normies" did something worse than i would (i sometimes act weird and cant quite answer it why, then, later, or never) - like, make stupid reply, yell, get mad... i am thinking if i got autism, 
mother said i was "tested" as kid, we "could know"... idk, heard stories of adults who just found out deep in 40s-50s...
just lowkey scared i would lie myself into being autistic... or always was? no clue. like, if it is even possible to "lie" to those guys who do diagnosis (ever heard of Munchausen by proxy?) ~ idk the 
place, where or how those tests are done :/, i just want to know if i am just delusional, or if i was like this "from always"...

why is it not normalized(!) for those with disabilities to fight back!...

when normies act "goofypilled", it is romantized; when somebody does so of being "done with shit" (not mad; not mad *like that*), from trauma, from fighting back - it is *suddenly* something bad?(!)

/

yes
you know these 3AM thoughts?
so, kinda this... you got them, got the idea, but then, the first thought just stops you - "if i do this, then everything else would have to be solved too", so you rather dont even start
also, when (related^) your mind tries to "lie", negotiate in the way *all bad things recap clip-show* - you were learned into this way of thinking because of your experiences. you know this is 
*possibility*, yet, doing nothing is safer than doing anything
maybe those eureka moments, enlightenments, only happen to people who hit the rock rock rock bottom; but idk, it is like, quite different level, kind, of "slap" - maybe it has to be related to more real 
world, to things that affect others - that to "just mussing"...
no idea here why is it (?) like that...

/...


  

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Means - Different
Content - Same (Lead...)

Do it wrong, Not at all
Or Do it right

10% - What you did
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Question Everything... "there"
Not "You", but your actions & reactions makes (you) "You" :/
- Not "You" (there) - just ~your~ reactions;
No excuses, nor expectations...

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