IF ALL MY WEBS ARE NOT UPDATED ***TO THIS ONE***, IT IS BECAUSE I AM LAZY. - THIS ONE SHOULD BE MY MAIN PAGE, EVEN IF IT LOOKS L.I.L., LIKE IT DOES...

DAMN, ON SO MANY WEBS, I CAN'T EVEN COMPREHEND. LOL, FORGOT ABOUT MY TERRIBLE POXIPAGE LOL... WON'T CONNECT THEM ALL, THEY ALL REPEAT THE SAME EITHER WAY BAHBAH...

WARNING: THERE IS COPY OF MY (THIS; BY ME) NEOCITIES - ADDRESS: https://do-i-belong.nekoweb.org/index.html

Toggle dark/light modeToggle the theme change!

But I lie. There is nothing, then there is no Me . I define as what, if I believe in no(-)thing and no one?  Clown.

(I) Make everyone to laught, but myself. I want to forget myself. All the mistakes. All "could"s. All those times...

Too afraid to do anything. No friends, Just being there. But my fault. I wanted ("no") help, - but "if you are friends with everyone, there is something wrong with you." Exquisite /sarcasm.


Heh, guilt-trip. By myself. What a gift. Prolly thing that keeps me still going on, even when I do (rather) nothing. *Faust*ing around? IDK TBH how to end this overthinking,this post even. Bye then, I guess, mleh. Feels bland; bad, maaan...

Intro · Blog (archive)

Who

>> My Portfolio | (*)

Means - Different
Content - Same (Lead...)

Do it wrong, Not at all
Or Do it right

10% - What you did
90% - W.Y.D. with this Situation...

Question Everything... "there"
Not "You", but your actions & reactions makes (you) "You" :/
- Not "You" (there) - just ~your~ reactions;
No excuses, nor expectations...

All your life, you collect people to/for your funeral;
Also, you collect things to Define yourself with...

---Cicada 3301 Koan--- Loss ---Ccd---

:::You worry === You-Target:::
---There is nothing worse than to...---
Be (not) Afraid to do something
and Then to Worry about Missed Opportunity :(
)Happy to be Me, ig(
NO mistakes, JUST "experimental phase"
//If EveryBody [X], then would you (do it), too?
NO MORE THINKING, THANKS!


~~~garden~~~
***Shiawase no Monosashi*** [EN]
/\always could be worse /s /\
· Nikdy (ešte) nebolo tak, ako ešte len bude
~Dont fear the Reaper~
/Look at me, What do You see, Am I real, Or Just a dream...
^Sissy Snowflake [BEAT ME TO IT!]

/It s my Life; And You are, Pardon, NO(T) my art director,
~ NOR any of roles **main** --- sorry, Not sorry./


Ak máš v ruke kladivo,
všetko začne vyzerať
ako klinec.


„Bože, daj mi pokoj, aby som prijal to, čo nemôžem zmeniť 
a daj mi odvahu zmeniť to, čo zmeniť môžem a mám 
a ešte mi daj múdrosť spoznať ten rozdiel.“ 
— František z Assisi


„Najväčšia chyba, ktorú môžete v živote urobiť, 
je stále mať strach, že nejakú urobíte.“ 
— Elbert Hubbard

HighExpectationsEverywhere

Rather things I hate:

- being lost in the world
- unable to decide
- ill-liberal internet socialitē who have to walk between egg-shells to not offend anyone (yes I am that type who want to be walked on in between...)
- impractical philosophy guy who is afraid of people, conflicts and non-sense politization - yet, all this I do... / I like to tease, treatise, poke society in seams like that one dude in antic did (Diogenes, - or the other one??)
- I hate those types^, cookie-cutter video essayists who say how capitalism, world, humanity, good morals nadanada are all over - yet I watch them, it seems, I like to be pissed off! // You had true someone when you said, people make this to themselves, just to feel things, thrill... I won't admit it but Mark Mason "how to not DGAF " book got that right - since, brain is set to drama, danger, threat , not anymore present in our industrial society...
- fear of any action being futile - nihilism - things, world making no sense , no impact - yet afraid of that impact - afraid of that... I can't never like anything, because I will succumb to its customs... I want change, but will hate it - add maybe this is why we long for golden days, that never were, - vaporwave... I don't want to get fucked over, by promises and this curse... Curse of nothing, anything being good enough for me (ah you, Mark/Fisher)... I will be on hook, and then the rest will be took away from me, like politicians tend to do...



 > Slovak proverb: 
better to know than to have.

you see, shootings too, get normalized if it is "daily bread".
when things became norm, it is hard to see world as what it was before. we didnt have washing machines, 
microwaves, stoves. years before, there were only sheds and no running water or central heating...
like that




my mother is "boomer" who denies her problems ("its all good, love light laugh" bascially) father is 
prankster who would love to live in woods XD, but - there was shit happening 
- situations for life



i might have as well. i dont know if it was just jokes, or attacks, at elementary. at high school, 
it was more of evryone on phone and having no things on common, so i was rather alone, 
because i felt entitled to them XD



undesirable? yes, it seems as shit if everything is for profit. then, you are burden, but what gives. 
i hate it when i cant get job, but its not my fault if you cant fight it in the first place. 
it is just fucked up and i will just wait til things go south, or until people at top will lose 
money/their positions to younger ones



i am dumb, idk what to do, i cant even decide what i want...  





- i am anxious, question everything, am too dreamy and idealistic + romantic, moodswings    
over hi- and lo- expectations, no common ground with   others (i made this weird, quirky 
        and stupid façade of Self ...)

- i always, as kid, rather secluded myself from others, because idk, i maybe thought 
"i am interesting", "special", "too cool for others". and even if i wanted, 
i am nowadays undecided as fuck, 
know too many things and none of (those) 
i am specialist, - got no friends (had, but it was just bunch of kids on block

- i got no topic to say...)

-- went to no uni (undecided, hi expectations, my ideal of "forever 2007" died
in 2013 (globalization to blame?)) - parents has it good, but it was so-so, 
as due communism - yet then, Americans say past
was "just different", you just "walked in, shook hand, got job"...






*about hi-expectations - it was only that i could draw well and "remember" weird encyclopedia
stuff [i am like, huh, dont every kid do that?]    (it is hard to, but every kid draws, 
so it is messed up and that idea made me "aftergifted",    of sorts - with no goal, 
just having surface   knowledge and vocab on weird things)





Yes. I didn't participate much in anything, meaning I did the worst thing that I could
- never truly fail. This has me spoiled; if you understand. 





I am curious! To me it was scary because Shinji, MC, has to decide ; which is, for me,   
in my situation, that I never close any option,   never decide...
Nightmare, if you will. He, as me,was told what to do, and when he had to decide and do 
A thing in his life for himself, it is... As being betrayed.





yes

you know these 3AM thoughts?

so, kinda this... you got them, got the idea, but then, the first thought just stops you 

- "if i do this, then everything else would have to be
solved too", so you rather dont even start

also, when (related^) your mind tries to "lie", negotiate in the way *all bad things recap clip-show* 

- you were learned into this way of thinking
because of your experiences. you know this is *possibility*, yet, doing nothing is safer than doing anything
maybe those eureka moments, enlightenments, only happen to people who hit the rock rock rock bottom; but idk, 
it is like, quite different level,
kind, of "slap" - maybe it has to be related to more real world, to things that affect others 

- that to "just mussing"...
no idea here why is it (?) like that... 





 (redacted) i had it similar if not even worse
it is so bad to "by accident" ("skill issue", teachers not seeing who is victim and abuser) 
more likely than not, punish victims. when they dont fight back, it is bad. when they do - it is bad, too.
tired of this shit.



totally, if "normies" did something worse than i would (i sometimes act weird and cant quite answer it why, then, 
later, or never) - like, make stupid reply, yell, get mad... i am thinking if i got autism, mother said i was 
"tested" as kid, we "could know"... idk, heard stories of adults who just found out deep in 40s-50s...
just lowkey scared i would lie myself into being autistic... or always was? no clue. like, if it is even possible to 
"lie" to those guys who do diagnosis (ever heard of Munchausen by proxy?) ~ idk the place, where or how those tests 
are done :/, i just want to know if i am just delusional, or if i was like this "from always"...



why is it not normalized(!) for those with disabilities to fight back!...



when normies act "goofypilled", it is romantized; when somebody does so of being "done with shit" 
(not mad; not mad *like that*), from trauma, from fighting back - it is *suddenly* something bad?(!) 
 

 
  
  
  
    /secretative data/
  i thought, for difference, than me and few like-minded individuals/groups who were, as me,
very low at that time (like 3 months or so, prior), attracted/made-to be covid "into" reality
- talked about here in chat, learned about (chaos?) magick...
would be interesting if that is doable, and even, rather be used for better things...


  
  
  
  
  /from chat; these are my thoughts... opinions... i might be wrong; this is just how i see it... 
  dont get offended and if, then - epiphany?huh?/
  i cant blame you for this, but people in general dont like complaining much, i know it firsthand, 
  i complained way too much, that it started to annoy people (what a goofy mistake)



also, dont ask people on >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk, they hold themselves on "high" standard 
(self-proclaimed, self-entitled geniuses, autists (whatever that means "in their book"), know-it-alls...)
also, no such discussion is possible in "religion" media - whatever becomes fad, popular and highly acclaimed, 
it loses all "magic" the time redditors
(not all of them are bad, but in general, ~ every lie got some true and start somewhere (to be believable)) 
and fandoms (past 2013; things from here hits different) lose its niche status and becomes , mainly for 
"revival gems/all-time classics" - obsessions... (sorry if i cant explain this any better, or if i lie 
- this is just what i and maybe some other people think)



you are not going insane - it is just that... evangelion was "inaccesible", "lost" (wink wink) and with 
Netflix, "all hell broke loose" - normies *suddenly* re-discovered "gem" , - or so those *first-watchers*, 
call it so and hold that, to a high status (if you are curious, there are some (such) tropes on Evangelion 
at TVTropes.org) ... [my fav trope is Main/ItsPopularNowItSucks]






  /will NOT explain further - just feel the feelz.../
   i understand it is hard to do so with autism. or when you are me and cant hardly lie about anything. 
   i feel like kid, but i got not that heart or balls to lie. it just feels *disgusting* to me, somewhat, 
   it is weird. (could also be called naiive.)



it has to be hard to "make" reason when this is nothing that horrible to worry about. i would have no idea too, 
how to make lie (alternative story) on spot... people , and normies, has done worse things. murders get glorified too :/






  /*same^*/
   but this can also mean , "sign" (or you colud lie yourself into (i should prolly at times like that)) that 
   you have to prove them wrong. - not thru words, but acts. working harder, doing art, trying to set habits, 
   declutter - like that (i lie to myself now, but those things could work for others - i am too stubborn 
   and *quirky* to change anything (and egoistic - something like Asuka, only that i am scaring of this coping 
   mechanism of mine (or i got none such trait and lie to myself i have; again)))






  /opinion; ^#3/
   just see that IP as "religion", "fad" - or even! - always in positive light!
different view is always hard, but for society to improve (not saying politics or economics now), it is very needed. 
- we seem, as Western society, to run away from problems, meaning - they get never solved and are just carried further 
and futher, until similar problems cluster, accumulate together - if this all even make some sense.






  /rant; all from -my- chats.../

  i meant, that they see "too much" into it. the anime being overhyped - those who seen it at original run, 
  contrary to those who seen it the first time only on Netflix, creating kind of "temple", circlejerk, place 
  where ... the people ever forget why they love(d) it, yet they repeat it again and again (primary meaning 
  being lost) - worse of it, some might be just affluenzed by all those people, claiming how "high standard" 
  the anime is/was. ~ also, that they (again) see "too much" into it - with all the themes, visuals and tropes 
  - being not that deep really ~ the final episodes were goal, THE message, amid "filibuster" providing as 
  "helping hands/support of story"

stupid incel "i am so popular look" edgy (zoomer) "i dont get it" "and?" *lost in translation (*just saying) * 
kids... i am not blaming you. there is just saying about "if you need to tell more than three people (iirc), 
you want attention - no help" - idk how it goes with chatrooms tho...
it is indeed strange. no one can read? or understand? [well, if we live in world *like this (post-truth 2020, 
trump-russia-gov_papers...)*, it really makes me (no) baffle at the state of society :/]

It was just Hideaki Anno's way to differentiate his anime from others.

And that with fandom - that is typical. Happened to me, yet, I don't like to lie or feel bad, hurting others. 
/ I am just afraid that one day, I will have no choice, no will to longer hold it all in, - and go berserk, 
or do some weird shit, just to be seen... Can't explain it, maybe I just want to meet with people, that are 
same as me, in that regards. Underdogs, abandoned, banished... It just makes me, at the same time, uncomfortable 
if I would be seen by *normies*, my stupid brain assume they are all same, neoliberal "orange Emilys" who hate, 
yet support capitalistic exploitation by megacorps...
I couldn't care less, if I didn't hate my age bracket so much, in general. I got nothing in common with them. 
If I ever would want to, it just makes me feel like copycat. Just liking something for sake of it, so fake... 
(Tiktok have been disastrous to human race... (*Fill in intro from Katsinski's manifesto*))

I can't quite tell why I feel like this, if I want to, or I was just learned, made to, or just imagine myself 
being like this. If I want to be just weird for the sake of it, because I want to ?mean something special, for 
someone ~ is it just love?? Wait, maybe I just want to ?have sex...

*Sorry for rant, I am just Confussed about my relationship with humanity and my generation.




    During 10th grade, one of the things that helped me cope was a book called The Catcher in the Rye 
by J.D. Salinger. The main character of the book, Holden Caufield, felt like he was trapped in a world of 
"phonies", people who just didn't give a care about anything, people who pretended to be someone else, people 
who tried to be other people. As I myself felt like I was in a similar predicament, given the fact that 
the adults of 10th grade were very neglectful.

yes, i read it too, on my own accord. we should, but we got no time on curriculum, so it was for me, 
just out of curiosity
funnily, the MC talks like i do - maybe i just copy others and things i like, unconsciously, or my 
"dark side" does (that one that goes against my values, but in my own "interest" (w/o values/virtues involved)... 


    I'm waiting for someone to love as well, as I seek a wife for myself to be the comfort of my eyes. 
Admittedly, I struggle with lust, which is one of the reasons I wish for a wife, so I can make her feel good, 
as well as myself.

yes. i too has problem, i just cant excuse myself wanting something out of selfishness, so i have to find 
"someone" to do it for... i know it is wrong, terrible and disgusting, but i just simply "dont matter that much"...


    Who are these "orange Emilys". What country are you from?

it is hard to pinpoint, but mostly what i got is (political compass memes) - (young) people who try to 
"fight" capitalistic malpractices with ever more capitalism (imho, makes no sense much);
and they self-identify themselves, because (idk) they feel good if they relate(?)...
pic-rel meme:
- https://images7.memedroid.com/images/UPLOADED997/5ff1d19d8145f.jpeg
- https://lens.google.com/search?p=Acn1BYftK2hy7OFxfWzrXP8kc9JsIM6UbXyjGy3ZqsD8VAkq7qp0xAnNVfxyM-
7_yW6MbPxDLDy4Ev_vzhx08_pcWeKaxYmj3v_ZFWRQqU43KwBhdukbvnQNPO0ovWM8lSTvpLQtWfv2FfE7uguME3mDMcSKtYeow
DeudfDjo8CsOr0p3oWXHjAuSY9Oe0XqIfXM4nb8m7-6H6gbzkTCZaB0Mkxjw8FPS7yjVBx5QDzN--Y9aEEzkcLuhTAFadFDwXsE
JimynJ06OQf4fgHn7-sZ6uXSupY47ea0NoOss8Q4ep=ccm#lns=W251bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGw
sIkVrY0tKR014TldJNU5ETTRMV0l3WkRndE5HSXhNaTA0Tm1KbExXSTBZVGsxTXpsa05EazVNQklmTUROemJWWTJja2RDVTI5WU
5FbGhORUZXWjJGWFdVRkVjMjVhVjJ4U1p3PT0iLG51bGwsbnVsbCxbW251bGwsbnVsbCwiMC0wIl0sWyI1NzYxZTkyZC01YjYyL
TQ5NWEtYjFkNi1jYjBjOWFmNmMyZWQiXV1d
- https://lens.google.com/search?p=Acn1BYftO4tIb3k_Gc9gEcoS8rauWU8P_KYPY8SLx9A9klW3EYrU8SfjBCL1CIz0
hWTrL8siVLj1NSqH1huHbFJkFZIsfSQq5gMm80BP_VFArnAdjr-
3-qcguWHTPVLVAwG56y7PaJiXy0uNBvMv_W4JHjQHD0N6YtGpqp0u4F7mhmvl58qLcEs60626A8j1FpwDGklIojM5P2NRPAdgum
HFHJtUgSWQXpwEjMHc3elhvQbmbtAg63UmPmgzUYtdOrovIzyFUHblgx6i2p39aQuBzs-
a7ysP5o_OAxs_isURep=ccm#lns=W251bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsIkVrY0tKREZrTkRCaU5qTm
tMVE15TVRjdE5EVmlNQzFpTldWaExXUm1aR1k1TUdSa1lXVm1PUklmWTE4eVRWSmpNM2c0U0hOVVVVUjFWV2RKVkUxaWJEVm5kb
HAwVjJ4U1p3PT0iLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLDEsbnVsbCxbbnVsbCxudWxsLFswLDAsMTAwMDAwLDEwMDAwMF0sbnVsbCw1XV0=


oh, so it seems (TIL) those are meme generalizations of SJWs; idk on the last one tho... 
(maybe i am???) /*rest redacted*/



 dreams? i havent got those in years. since 2012/13 when "meanings and values shifted", 
 it looks like Mark Fisher has truth and we indeed live in world where future wont come, 
 and we will live forever *like this* (*broadly shows and throws hands around*)

there are 8 billion people, so if it doesnt harm anyone (1st-hand), it should be ok; maybe 
if you showed it to some veterans (no jokes), they too would react similarly, or someone who 
might be hit by it (but not on >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk much ;) )
it is weird, how you feel hit by it, almost, if not, feel the urge to change; yet, you seem 
(talking from my experience) to shrug it off as "i was made into this, who i am, by accidents, 
so i have no say..." - you just cant argue, because, in fact, you know no other way around 
- you havent grow out of it; - to think "out of the box", differently, - you got no other reference 
or experience to grab to; so you stay the same - you would love to, if you (i/me) wasnt so stubborn, 
wannabe-ignorant, could see a way out of this >
is it as if i picked the wrong way and found out too late, dont remember why you did this in the 
first place, and then forgot which turn leads to beggining. maybe that is the feeling - when you 
want to "return to innocence"... 
- https://www.thetoptens.com/internet/worst-fandoms-groups-internet/ (9 - Weeboos)
  
  ... (memes incoming)


 ME: 1960s: on my yearly salary I bought 2 vehicles, a trailer, 
 a boat and 2 houses in just 10 years. | 2023: my salary is 10x greater than salary in the 60s 
 and I can barely make rent. I might not even get to finish writing this sentence because my 
 landlord is going to turn off my electri 
 > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ivp442RLS8list=TLPQMTMwNzIwMjMWY-54arCQ0Aindex=2
 
 https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FrdqalJWAAAQS2v?format=jpgname=large
 
 /"confussed" take/
  ME: id like NATO if it were like 50s 
  and wouldnt try to numb-down everything to lowest common denom, like, 
  ... "to not hurt anybody", so we need to "westernize" the globe...

 ME: People cXTSJeMm_normal.jpg
NATO@NATOWorking for peace, security  freedom for one billion people. 
Official Twitter account of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. 
#NATO #WeAreNATO... (ideas??)

 ME: John Berkeyjohnberkey.com
 John Berkey was an American artist known for his space and science fiction 
 themed works. Some of Berkey's best-known work includes much of the original 
 poster art for the Star Wars trilogy, the poster for the 1976 remake 
 of King Kong and also the "Old Elvis Stamp". Wikipedia

 ME: is this bs write-up? https://aesthetics
 .fandom.com/wiki/User_blog:Doom-gloom-city-pop/SANDBOX_II:_Memes:_test

 ME: cute cat https://cdn.discordapp.com/
 attachme...22_6345032652270180_5012621974396716339_n.png
 
  ME: It was like I was Bateman (am.psycho), 
  just doing what I needed and that was it, I was like in trance. Ratherz or, 
  closed in my bubble, little imaginative world where people are 
  "gay space commies", if I have to call it retrospectively
Saturday at 2:11 AM
ME: Also, the premise of my problem is: 
I was never allowed to fail. Like, I could, IF I had chance to do something 
that significant that it would ever be noticeablem i just was ignorant of my 
surroundings most of the time, most of my life

 ME: well, wo wouldnt love to be goofy, 
 loved, have claws and be able to jump and hop around!
Jul 7, 2023
ME: You will never be a cat. You have no whiskers, 
you have no tail, you have no fur. You are a homo sapien twisted by excessive 
internet usage and autism into a crude mockery of nature's perfection 
- penguinblanket ( read (these 2) from down up)
+2 

 ME: i guess it is psyop to make society 
 as fragile as possible. many narratives at once. see, they "got reasons", 
 vs gov that is against that disruprtor. individualism vs collectivism, govs 
 vs people who dont want govs or controls or snooping in their lives, 
 or stupid laws around, byro shit and all that

or just yt-essay-smart. like lot of peoople on net. like, emos hopped in, 
then got normalized few years after, and - that happens

 ME: Markov@MarkovMagnifico·20hthere's a common type 
 of online pseudo-intellectual whose entire repertoire of knowledge comes from 
 youtube videos and you can smell it on them immediately - could be me

 ME: there is no You. because by West, you are 
 Your job, or by what you do, what you like, it is materialistic, value-driven. 
 values with meanings that are not defined, or which change all the time, 
 as the wind (pol) blows
Jul 6, 2023 


ME: yes. kids and people who got too much free time. 
always was case. it doesnt mean it all isnt valid, but harming yourself only 
to be part of group...
Jul 6, 2023 


ME: tell me more. like, i dream of gay-space-communism, 
but it is not real
ME: we strive for marxism, but we know it is just theory, 
so we stick for what it is, and hope for meteor to kill us all?

 ME: i talked to Poe AI about bigotry and it knows nothing 
 about 2021, but mentioned some Black american shit happening in 2014, that started (INO?) BLM
 
 ME: The demise of the nation state | Globalisation | 
 The Guardian After decades of globalisation, our political system has become obsolete 
 – and spasms of resurgent nationalism are a sign of its irreversible decline. 
 By Rana Dasgupta
Jul 6, 2023 


ME: who would have know that those buying bitcoin would 
not be cofee-drinking anarchists, but those at top, those who are the reason crypto exist...
 
https://64.media.tumblr.com/6957212c1c3275937d2e998dee612e42/6e9b5a3363a4e84d-17
/s540x810/03a4e0059d13b19b3b5ec13f2b9b2717319e1d8c.jpg

 ME: https://lonerwolf.com/lying-to-yourself/ did it all.vhehehe. sad. 
 Been there did that. I feel like robot. I wanted to go batshit so many times. 
 No idea what stops me every time. Fear,.knowledge that next revolution after 
 success will become another norm? Maybe I just hate that idea.
ME: Kinda opposite. Online, I tend to generalize and to be abrasive, mean, cynical, 
afraid of misunderstanding and angry (state of current web). IRL, I am sweet, nice, 
cute, innocent and almost doormat. I can't say no. Got no heart to be selfish. 
Idk how to be

society itself. No double taxes, no money into Sus projects but as direct as possible, 
schools being no standardized but being ROIs as means produced by students/working class, 
no job gaps, terminating stupid job applying and need for uni unless IRL needed
Jul 6, 2023 


ME: Instead of internet ending this class struggle, it just swapped coats. Low and high 
posh, arguing over who *started* **this**. Those up need those below. Those down, well few, 
will become top ones, believe it or not. That is the pain of success. And power-trip.
Jul 6, 2023 


ME: So we know what is wrong. Then, what is stopping us is the force of habit. Myth we tell 
ourselves. No. Past wasn't glorious. If it was, we wouldn't have to suffer its "unfillment; 
broken promise; aborted plan"
Jul 6, 2023 


ME: Yeah, you saying all that makes me think of self-censoring, seeded-in by Society. 
Generations, and generalizations, patting ourselves how we know, or how we know. 
And being content, with those half-lives, rather than to challenge ourselves, 
for that we may find truth, that all is terrifying...
Jul 6, 2023 


ME: It is weird how I "hate" people and society behind screen, and all that disappears 
when I am outside. Anxiety is gone. I wonder. Why is it that, why at home I am anarchist 
who hate The system (all ills),but irl want to help everyone? God, it would be so easier 
if I was stupid reactionary. But I don't want to destroy what works. And there is 
so much that don't.
Jul 6, 2023 


ME: Like, afraid of myself. I don't want to do anything of fear , consequences, 
fear of success, not knowing what to do if my dreams came through - then what? 
Will I be suicidal? Will I try to make new reality, where nothing stands on solid ground 
- where all that matters is improvement? But then what. Do I want that or it is not my dream, 
just something I want so I can belong?
Jul 6, 2023 


ME: Too stupid-smart. False intelligence. Posh ego, but that don't boast - only that 
I do nothing, *superior* in my inaction, lying myself how smart I am, so I don't have 
to disrupt world.
Jul 6, 2023 


ME: There has been discussion about when dude burnt the Talented kids school. LCD being, 
those are psychos who will go thru dead. I wonder what make me not be like that. 
I am exact opposite, emotional mess that can't do anything "to not hurt others". I wonder. 
Maybe I lack inter-personal skills too, so I try to greypill myself as evil, holding myself 
back on my own restrictions

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